Forgiveness, Healing and Empathy #forgiveness #healing #empathy #depression #anxiety

“…it’s a shame when you forgive consciously but something in your bones can’t help but try to avoid getting hurt again… ” I wrote that recently.

I wrote this three months ago – “There are times to work and times to rest, like seasons, either are fine and neither are to be judged as wrong or right – they just are.

Our existence is validatation enough, nature wanted us here now, reality itself wanted us here now, the mother nature matrix wanted us all here now, all that we do is an expression of the magic of the universe.

There are 7 billion equal people with different opinions. It avoids seeing that I am as important as any of the people I am trying to please. Constantly living life to please other people will lead to constantly feeling sad that I have let people down. If you are living life to please the right person then living life to please yourself will attract the right people into your life.”

Somehow I feel they’re linked. Perhaps forgiveness could be linked to realising we’re all trying our best based on our own experiences and avoiding different hurts from the past?

 

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Antisocial / Social Anxiety – both or neither? #depression #anxiety

For the record, between epic social events I’ve committed to – particularly one’s I am performing at and therefore committed to attending – I am generally an anti-social bastard. Do not take it personally.

There are several reasons for this, social awkwardness, social anxiety, 15 years of partying, introvert habits I picked up during two years of depression, bitterness that people stopped coming round when I cut down on smoking and stopped hosting smoking sessions, several reasons. But the main one is that I just don’t feel like going out most of the time. Especially if I’ve just expended that kind of energy hosting an event or if I’m preparing myself mentally for the energy to do that sort of thing.

It doesn’t mean I love you guys or gals any less. In fact sometimes it means I love myself less. But it doesn’t mean I’m avoiding any individuals, in fact even during my most party animal sociable years I was in the flow and the amount of time I spent with people was in no way a reflection of how much I loved them, more a reflection of how aligned our missions, projects and interests were that month or that year. So if you liked raving in Bristol from 2005 – 2012 you saw alot of me.

These days I enjoy my own company, I’d much rather stay in. watch documentaries, write and work on building the future I’ve been visualising. Some days I’ve been crippled by fear of judgment and I don’t want to leave the house.

Anyway, two of my friends took it personally recently, so I thought I’d say something public. I been on the same couch in Bristol straight chillin cos after the rave I couldn’t move cos I’m getting old, I missed a party I wanted to go to but walking was too much think about and talking to people seemed scary, especially when the honest answer to “how are you” is “I’m not even sure”.

So yeah, I don’t know if I’m anti-social or suffering social anxiety or if I’m anti-social BECAUSE I’m suffering social anxiety (and right now I’m tired) but whichever it is, it doesn’t mean I have a problem with you.

Essentially it doesn’t matter. Anti-social, social anxiety etc – these are just labels. I’m fine whether or not people take it personally. They’re fine whether or not they take it personally. They’re all different shades of being a human, and as long as we remember that these states are actually okay to be in and these states will change of their own accord the less likely we’re going to get angry or depressed about them and the sooner they’re likely to change. One of the lessons I’m learning is that anger and depression are okay too, it’s just usually advisable to express either in ways that aren’t going to cause more anger or depression.

 

unity consciousness

 

Popularity, Anxiety and ye ol Facebook

Strange times for Mr Sensitive over here. Expect philosophical waffle, it’s been one of those weeks 🙂

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… so you can have a total of 5000 friends on facebook. I ran out of space for new friends so I changed my personal profile into a page. Now I can have infinite likes instead of limited number of friends. Also I thought I’d use the opportunity to streamline my whole online presence to be more professional and less sentimental. This post is both.

The funny thing is the very aspects of my personality that got me too many fb friends were the things that used  that used to get me bullied and eroded my self esteem. Talking passionately about spirituality and politics and philosophy is now the reason I have 5000 contacts. People at school just told me to stop talking.

I don’t know if I’ll feel more comfortable asking people to like my page than asking them to add me as a friend but I guess it’s better than saying “I can’t add you cos I’ve run out of space for new friends”.  I guess I’ll deal with that anxiety when I come to it.

Self esteem issues would come up again later in my life but the seeds of those issues were planted in my youth. I have mixed feelings about my popularity, I’m embarrassed about enjoying it cos I identify more with being an outsider than being one of the ‘cool kids’. But I do enjoy it.

So I already had a separate music page to my personal page. And I was planning to merge this page with my music page. But currently facebook won’t let me. This annoyed me at first but it may be for the best. You see not all of my fb friends were music fans. I suspect most people, especially the strangers, added me cos I passionately and regularly post positive vibrations, inspirational quotes, happy stories etc. And I’m more than a musician, I’m a workshop coordinator, a scholar of subtle energies, a scholar of Hip-Hop culture, a blog writer, a bard of a Druid order and I’m writing a comic book (an amazing artist has already finished pages).

So this page will be more professional and less sentimental than my personal profile was. But I will still be sharing random inspiration that has nothing to do with me personally if and when it feels right, cos I try to do what feels right. So instead of friend suggesting people you think might like my posts, point them over here and I’ll try not to let you down.

Thanks for joining me on this journey, whether you’re a poetry lover, music lover, acoustic music lover, hip-hopper, dub head, raver, comic book fan or star seed rainbow warrior on the bleeding edge of consciousness evolution (or just want to receive positive vibes from inspiring stories and good news – I have plans to make you very happy.

I will find out from my publisher if I may share sneak previews of my comic book, meanwhile I’ll be performing at Wildheart Festival August 28th -31st  this weekend coming, I’ll be performing at Hazy Daze festival (organised by Happy Daze Bristol) from September 11th and I’ll be compering a breakcore and DnB night (with Raiden!) in Bristol on Halloween.

More on all of the above as we go.

I still feel like I’m on a mission (yet paradoxically with nothing to do and nowhere to go) and I still feel grateful for all of you offering emotional support for Mr Sensitive over here on this mission.

I do actually love you guys.

https://www.facebook.com/KP.KevthePoet?ref=bookmarks

Sometimes I’m Selfish and Greedy (but I’m usually a nice guy.)

Sometimes I’m selfish and greedy. This is the trait I dislike in people the most and the trait I dislike in myself the most, and the trait I am most ashamed of. Apparently I’ll have less anxiety and self-esteem issues if I learn to wear my ‘shame’ until I’m no longer ashamed of it.

It’s the trait I dislike in politicians, I see it mirrored in David Cameron and the Tories in general etc. I see it in the fracking of our land and in the selling of our NHS. I dislike selfishness. I therefore sometimes over-compensate and don’t give myself the things I deserve.

I find all words are insufficient, rather that we have infinite shades of emotions and experiences but we only have a finite amount of words to describe them. I used to refer to myself as lazy then I realised I work really hard and obsessively on things that I love doing and just don’t do things I don’t love doing, so lazy was an insufficient word to describe my relationship with boring work. Give me an hour or two and I may have found better or different words to define the aspects of my self that I currently describe as selfish and greedy.

Due to the fact that I think poverty in the past was influenced by this fear of admitting it I will specify – I want more money. And sex. And sugar, I can be very greedy when it comes to sugar. Despite the fact that I know it’s probably parasites that want the sugar, and it’s very bad for me. I tried to quit sugar, I failed. And meat. Wish I could kick the meat habit again but my mum’s a phenomenal cook and I’m living with her again, but it’s not her fault, it’s not the fault of circumstance – I’m selfish.

I think in my personal story lazy was a judgment put on me that I internalised until years later I analysed it. But selfish is a judgment I put on myself, it’s what upsets me most about other people and it’s because it’s what upsets me most about myself. BUT note I said SOMETIMES I am selfish and greedy, it’s just an aspect of self I’ve been repressing.

(I still think I’m usually selfless and generous cos that’s what makes me happy. There’s an unavoidable paradox in the selfish desire to be of benefit because being of benefit makes us happy. But I usually try to be selfless and generous. But not always. I should not ignore that shadow.)

Edit:

Although I am sometimes selfish and greedy I fully love and accept myself. I am everything, I am also selfless and generous, I am infinite abundance, I am love.

Cry Every Day

From now I don’t quite say that I vow but I try to make

a decision to cry every day, “why would he say to cry every day”?

cos life is just made for feeling, we hide every day instead of revealing,

and when we don’t cry every day we lie every day to ourselves.

Like we’re not gonna die some day, like children don’t die every day,

like every blossom ain’t a perfect work of art but we’re shying away

from tears of joy is what I’m trying to say…

Tears of pain, tears of joy, just like Lamb – I Cry every day.

(inspired in part by this track by ‘Lamb’)

KP vs Mixmag, Vice and Simon Cowell

BRAND NEW MIXTAPE AND A BRAND NEW EP coming to Bandcamp this winter!

http://www.kpkevthepoet.bandcamp.com

So it looks like this winter we’re gonna have two very different KP releases, my EP of mainly self produced acoustic tracks but also a mixtape of me rhyming over banging hip-hop instrumentals I’ll give away for free. I think I have settled on the name Low Fi, High Concept for the EP but I still can’t decide what to call the mixtape now though, currently working title is AWESOME! The Multi-Dimensional Mixtape, but that might be too cheesy? It does need a high-impact title to suit the flavour though and I use the words Awesom and multi-dimensional in conversation alot and the mixtape is multidimensional as the first half is Kev riding hip-hop instrumentals and the second half is Kev riding a psy-dub mix. Yes it is.

Mmmaybe I shouldn’t be shy this year and should submit my new creations for review in places like Mixmag and Vice… but maybe I don’t care what critics think? Do I risk the fear of rejection and/or criticism for the possibility of free promotion and/or critical praise?Well maybe I have already taken the first step in publicly admitting I’m afraid… What’s next X-Factor? Why not? (Because Simon Cowell doesn’t want to hear you rapping about changing the monetary system, singing about buddhism over Psy-Dub or doing Mary Poppins covers in a Hip-Hop stylee even if it would make great television…)

10 Years of Bristol (9 years a Druid and 7 years aware of Balanced View)

10 Years of Bristol, 9 years a Druid and 7 years aware of Balanced View. I have recently moved back to London. This has prompted lots of reflection recently. One decade that spanned across Saturn’s return.

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10 Years of Bristol, 10 years ago I left London and moved to Bristol. I had been getting depressed working temp jobs and after a summer of performing poetry at festivals that summer I decided I would move to either Brighton or Bristol and focus solely on performance. The I-Ching said “the South-West will be fortunate”. Decision made. It was fortunate.

9 years a Druid, 9 years ago I had been in Bristol for a year and on Spring Equinox 2006 I was knighted by the man who calls himself King Arthur (for the record, yes, I also call him King Arthur), and I was dubbed a Shield Knight and Bard. A Bard is a writer and performer who spreads knowledge and wisdom. A Shield Knight is a recognition of an original incarnation. I have remained a part-time Druid, but I tend to find special places to be on Solstices and Equinoxes and I do not believe it is a superstition, I believe it is a science.

Yeah, I blogged this way back in 2006, remember ‘Tribe’? Not the TV show, the blog page, but yeah, remember the TV show too? It was bang on it!) http://people.tribe.net/knowledgeispower23/blog/df4bcbad-481d-4e1a-9cf2-fa57cf1d0663

EDIT – My journey to Druidry has since been reblogged on wordpress here –

https://kpkevthepoet.wordpress.com/2015/10/13/becoming-a-druid-the-chat-with-susanna-lafond-and-the-knighting-of-a-hip-hop-bard-druid-druidry-bard/

7 years aware of Balanced View. Balanced View is a training in the nature of the mind. When I first encountered the Balanced View teaching I was in a confident place. I had been in Bristol for 3 years, I had successfully avoided and replaced the things that brought up my anxiety and depression, I had avoided my parents, I had avoided jobs that force me to socialise with people that didn’t share my opinions and by living with squatters, hippies, musicians, activists, political people and spiritual people I had surrounded myself with people who supported me and my ideals. Which has it’s positives, but these positives were temporary. I had changed my mind and changed my being, but not to the extent with which I could live with people I disagreed with or work with people I disagreed with without encountering anxiety and/or depression. When I first encountered the Balanced View teaching I rejected it, because I did not think that I needed it, and after curing my depression by avoiding and replacing I was highly suspicious of any organisation that offered help. I attended the very first Balanced View classes that were held in Bristol but I dropped out. Since then I have witnessed many friends get involved with Balanced View and most of them have increased in confidence, ability, are less held back by their perceived ‘weaknesses’ and are more fuelled by a knowledge of their strengths, gifts and talents. I have since attended more Balanced View trainings and they have been invaluable with learning more about myself and being content and productive with anxiety and depression. My initial reluctance is more complicated than just a misplaced confidence at the time, but the source of my resistance was complex and discussing them in public may hamper other people’s experience of it. I can simplify by saying that I felt that it did not have what I would call an authentic lineage but I was simply wrong, it does have what I would call an authentic lineage and they had good reason for not talking about it early in it’s development. I am not qualified to tell you what Balanced View teaches but what I can say is nothing has helped me deal with anxiety and depression quite as efficiently as Balanced View. http://www.balancedview.org

So. That’s that.

But no, no it isn’t. It doesn’t even mention the Tibetan monks, the Sufi chants, the Tasmanian Rainforest or the Canadian immigration cell (long story short – internet romance + no visa + honesty about financial situation = Canadian immigration cell.) It doesn’t mention meeting KRS-One in Stonehenge, it doesn’t mention meeting a Tibetan lama in a hostel in Barcelona, and it doesn’t explain how these experiences made me convinced that I had a ‘spiritual’ path but were inconclusive in giving that path a definition or an independent nature from any other kind of life. It’s all spiritual, we’re all spiritual, if you believe in spirit at all. It doesn’t explain how even these magical moments were also source of ego, pride and ultimately depression. It doesn’t explain how I lived with activists in a rainforest in Tasmania until the fear, the racism, the misplaced guilt for an activists suicide and an a realisation that I did not wish to impose my will on others, a realisation I could not express through fear of ostracisation led to both fear and depression yet again.  It doesn’t mention any of the people who helped make it special, Craig r Ninjah, Adam Place, Michael Stanton, Ben Tree, Daniel Waples, Dav, 12 Volt Joe, Louise Stewart Daisy, Danielle, Big Rick, Bouncing Tim (and that’s just a list of people who let me sleep on their couch, or in their van or caravan off the top of my head – Adam Place was actually the first person I lived with in Bristol and is now the proud inventor of the AlphaSphere – the best new digital instrument that you want.) http://www.alphasphere.com/
It doesn’t mention how Coed Hills became the place to spend solstices after Stonehenge and how a little-known stoney Longbarrow became home for a small tribe after that. It doesn’t mention how my values and the values of mainstream society have been worlds apart, I have found it hard to care about money but care alot about honour and love, yet even when I have lots of honour, love and respect I can sometimes let the way I believe society would perceive me affect my self esteem in a negative way. It mentions the depression but it doesn’t explain it. If I don’t make lots of money am I a failure? No. Well yes and no because there is no such thing as success, failure, honour, love or money, they exist only as abstract concepts. There is also no such thing as me, I’m another abstract concept. And the abstract concept that there are no real things, just abstract concepts, is one I started to grasp when I read the Tao Teh Ching aged twelve (the root of taoism which is the root of the Yin-Yang symbol), and one I experienced directly via shamanic techniques in 2006 but despite these realisations Balanced View was the training that provided a technique to see this perception for short moments many times. This perception has not yet become continuous.

What follows are various shades of things I have said about the past ten years since I moved back to London a month ago.

xxx xxxxx xxxxxxxx

Nov 9
I’ve been on a personal, emotional, psychological and spiritual journey for the past year particularly but my whole 10 year pilgrimage to Bristol, Glastonbury, Tasmania and beyond was all of the above really. I’m back in London putting my heart and head back together and studying to be a Steiner school kindergarten teacher now.

Nov 10
Loads has happened since then, I was working three different youth work jobs in Bristol but none of them full time enough to pay my bills and I started a part-time Steiner school course in London. My financial issues didn’t help my depression, my options became take any job offered or move out and I chose to move out in October so I am currently living with my mum (rent free) in London…

Nov 11 (13 days ago)
I often feel like I’m just one anxiety peaking difficult phonecall from completely giving up on this shit and dropping out of this corrupt and hypocritical ‘society’ again, but I should at least save a lil cash before I do that next time and I’d like to finish my Steiner school course too. But my inability to cope with little things like talking to banks or HMRC without getting emotional (or angry) makes me feel like I’m really not made for modern western society, which then makes me feel like a loser so then the depression kicks in cos I ain’t built for this shit and then it all starts to spiral. So, short moment. Everything’s perfect. Even the anxiety and depression. And keep it moving. There is no need to let my self esteem be affected by ability or willingness to participate in ‘the game’, but in reality I am able to do anything. Short moment. None of this matters. Give it a day or two and I’ll be jamming with lovely people (or myself) and have completely forgotten that a couple of phonecalls made me feel like this.

Nov 11
I spent half n hour on hold to the HMRC just trying to find out what the letters they’ve sent to my old house are about, expecting fines for not doing a tax return or responding to their letters or something. And in the end I just hung up cos I was sooo anxious waiting. I often feel like I’m just one anxiety peaking difficult phonecall from completely giving up on this shit and dropping out of this ‘society’ again like when I was squatting and living with activists, but I know I want to save more cash before I do that next time and I’d like to finish my Steiner school course too. But my anxiety with talking to banks or HMRC makes me feel like I’m really not made for modern western society at all sometimes, which then makes me feel like a loser who can’t cope with modern day life so then the depression kicks in and then it all starts to spiral. I got 9 quid in the bank and I’m planning to spend 5 of that on getting to Bristol this weekend lol My mum will probably lend me cash for travel and training but that doesn’t help my self esteem either. I know it’ll all change.

Nov 12
I have been living my dreams and thinking up new ones
I wanted to be famous rapper at first. I succeeded in becoming a semi-famous rapper and a semi-famous poet.
I always aimed to be respected by the festival scene and the squat scene, by spiritual people and by the grassroots people. and I achieved that. The Druids ask me to perform at Stonehenge on the Solstice and I have hosted dance stages at Glastonbury.
If I aimed for money instead of love and respect maybe I would have earned more money. But I got what I wanted – love and respect some days that is enough, some days my self esteem wants more. Now my new dream is to qualify as a Steiner school teacher so I can inspire the next generation AND earn enough to travel .
that was the VERY short version haha

(29 minutes ago)
I just had negative emotions associated with London cos I was a temp in offices suffering from depression 10 years ago before I moved to Bristol and became a rebel poet squatter suffering from delusions of grandeur and avoiding the appearances of depression and anxiety by surrounding myself with likeminded people. Now I’m back in London and I’ve found balance – I still suffer from depression and anxiety but I don’t avoid them by surrounding myself with likeminded people, I just outshine them by telling like minded people that I’m anxious and depressed and realise that it actually doesn’t matter. Kev’s past ten years in one easy paragraph (minus the druids, the anarchists, the broken hearts, the epic romances, spoiled goddesses, buddhism, taoism, sufism, balanced view and back to {freestyle} buddhism and an extremely long list of ridiculous coincidences.) :-p x

 knighted synchromystickz mike n ben

 bris fest 1

big treeninja kev

king craig n bard kev

family