Antisocial / Social Anxiety – both or neither? #depression #anxiety

For the record, between epic social events I’ve committed to – particularly one’s I am performing at and therefore committed to attending – I am generally an anti-social bastard. Do not take it personally.

There are several reasons for this, social awkwardness, social anxiety, 15 years of partying, introvert habits I picked up during two years of depression, bitterness that people stopped coming round when I cut down on smoking and stopped hosting smoking sessions, several reasons. But the main one is that I just don’t feel like going out most of the time. Especially if I’ve just expended that kind of energy hosting an event or if I’m preparing myself mentally for the energy to do that sort of thing.

It doesn’t mean I love you guys or gals any less. In fact sometimes it means I love myself less. But it doesn’t mean I’m avoiding any individuals, in fact even during my most party animal sociable years I was in the flow and the amount of time I spent with people was in no way a reflection of how much I loved them, more a reflection of how aligned our missions, projects and interests were that month or that year. So if you liked raving in Bristol from 2005 – 2012 you saw alot of me.

These days I enjoy my own company, I’d much rather stay in. watch documentaries, write and work on building the future I’ve been visualising. Some days I’ve been crippled by fear of judgment and I don’t want to leave the house.

Anyway, two of my friends took it personally recently, so I thought I’d say something public. I been on the same couch in Bristol straight chillin cos after the rave I couldn’t move cos I’m getting old, I missed a party I wanted to go to but walking was too much think about and talking to people seemed scary, especially when the honest answer to “how are you” is “I’m not even sure”.

So yeah, I don’t know if I’m anti-social or suffering social anxiety or if I’m anti-social BECAUSE I’m suffering social anxiety (and right now I’m tired) but whichever it is, it doesn’t mean I have a problem with you.

Essentially it doesn’t matter. Anti-social, social anxiety etc – these are just labels. I’m fine whether or not people take it personally. They’re fine whether or not they take it personally. They’re all different shades of being a human, and as long as we remember that these states are actually okay to be in and these states will change of their own accord the less likely we’re going to get angry or depressed about them and the sooner they’re likely to change. One of the lessons I’m learning is that anger and depression are okay too, it’s just usually advisable to express either in ways that aren’t going to cause more anger or depression.

 

unity consciousness

 

Aftermath of Acoustic Ambience at Breathe Bristol 26th Feb 2016

A massive thankyou to Chris ParadoxSara ParisMaxine Rai Whiting,Caspar RiisJack Nathan JenningsLiberty Rose and Francesca Maria for getting involved at Breathe Bristol last night and sharing their world-class talents with us last night. Everyone had an inspirational and hilarious evening, thanks again!

Stay tuned for more live events and independent media from the Operation; Bless crew xx

FREE ENTRY to events, free music and exclusive content if you subscribe to our PATREON page –

https://www.patreon.com/user?u=2746257&ty=h&u=2746257

Here are some links for more from these inspirational beings!

PARADOX

facebook ‘Chris Paradox’ (and join his inspirational Bristol ‘Meet Up’) 

 

Liberty aka Dede Rosa

Soundcloud page

Maxi Rai

A Maxi Rai collab with Kev the Poet

Sara Paris

(@ Duende Singer-Songwriter Night 16 January 2015)

Caspar Riis
find ‘Casper Riis’ on ye ol facebook
(e-mail and number for booking available on request)
Jack Jennings
Sitar player and guitar player Jack Jennings teaches guitar in Bath and BRadford on Avon
ah, and myself –
KP Kev the Poet
 

Operation: Bless Everyt’ing facebook group – https://www.facebook.com/groups/everytingblessed/

___________________________________

 
The guys who provided the alternative tea blends have a Kickstarter
and remember – FREE ENTRY to events, free music and exclusive content if you subscribe to our PATREON page –

https://www.patreon.com/user?u=2746257&ty=h&u=2746257

Love will not

Increasing levels of confusion,
Decreasing veils of illusion,
Expressing discomfort, seeking empathy.
Love will compromise and not act selfishly.

Love will strive to get to the bottom.
Love will express honestly.
Love will build bridges, not burn them.
Love will reward honesty with honesty.

Sometimes love hurts, conflicting desires will happen, everyone’s different and sometimes you want different things. It takes two to build that bridge. But if love hurts too long and too often – sometimes it’s not love anymore.

(Sometimes you convince yourself that they don’t love you anymore, sometimes insecurity and projection can convince you it’s not love anymore. Sometimes we’re wrong.)

Peace, World Health & Clean Water – lyrics

Peace, World Health & Clean Water,

inner peace leads to spiritual wealth we walk the

Earth. Mother Earth’s healthy – Mighty Healthy.

At least love yourself. Love cleans and heals all the

Illusions we’ve shelved. Drumming beats til the dawn for

The Fairies and Elves. Crystals ‘pon the altar.

We chant affirmations, sending vibrations

Of gratitude for love and thank each other for the

Peace, World Health & Clean Water

 

PEAEce 12705764_190740441283737_4122320442578196367_n

Artwork by Craig Reynolds, lyrics by Kevin Panton.

Kev The Poet – Peace, World Health and Clean Water @ The Chocolate Poetry Club 2015 [#CPC6]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rPiERExgx9c

Peace, World Health and Clean Water LIVE DUB VERSION at Sunrise Festival 2011!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lCUA-F_rUcE

Peace from the Pulpit UNEDITED – KP Kev the Poet in St Thomas Church, Music and Massage, Light Players Winter Gathering 2013

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XtW1ofC-T0Y

Self Love – Life Paths, Careers, Pride, Money and Self Esteem

Not sure how to say what I want to say but I gotta say it.

I’ll start with balance. It’s all about balance. So the balance, the counter-point, rather than the main point is that some days I wish I’d earned more money in the past. Some days I wish I’d focussed more on a ‘viable career’ and less on my creative path. Some days. Not today.

From my point of view no path may be considered the only ‘right’ path, every path has different sacrifices for different gains and every person wants different gains according to their preferences. On top of that every day is different and even our preferences change.

But today I am proud of the path I have walked and the reasons why I have walked it.

Recently I had a conversation with a friend who took a different path. In a job he doesn’t liuke with people he doesn’t like much for years. They’re creative too, but similarly to the way I sacrificed having alot of money for the freedom to squat and not work full time for years he sacrificed having alot of freedom for the sake of having alot of money. When we spoke last he did not sound happy about it, and was telling me he’s proud of me that I kept ‘my soul’.

Now, remember the balance – there were days I slept in a warehouse with no central heating and only had food from skips. There were days when most of my friends were in India and I couldn’t afford to go anywhere. I did this so I could focus on my craft and focus on my creative outlet without relying on benefits from a system I despised. In fact it was one week living in a cold van without enough money to buy a burner or pay anyone to install it that I decided I am going to make alot more money and invest it in profitable positive ventures. (These days I live in a warm house in suburban London and I’m training for a career in Steiner school teaching while also learning about shares.)

Now there is a middle ground. It’s all about balance. There’s not much point having freedom to lie in nature if you haven’t got the abundance to keep warm, but there’s no point having the money if you haven’t got the time to enjoy it. But you rarely hear about the otherside. Society is geared towards money, money, money, and rarely do we stop to ask ‘why’?

It’s funny cos I recently had a training day for a market research job and walked out cos the managers were arrogant and childish. I had waves of feeling proud of myself for walking away and waves of feeling guilty. After that recent conversation, and a few others, I will no longer feel guilty about that. It is not my path.

It is rare that someone who really knows me, knows the life I have lived and the path I have walked can look me in the eye and tell me they are proud of me. The people on that list are short, most of them would take it for granted that they’re proud of me and the rest (my mum) wishes I went to law school. So today I am proud of who I am, what I’ve done and most importantly why I did it.

Unless someone that really knows you looks you in the eye and gives you the “you still have your soul” speech who knows, I could wonder forever if I made the right decisions and hopefully conclude that I could only have made those decisions and stop anxiously worrying about it.

So I’m glad my soul is intact and still visible, I’m glad that I have found more lucrative but not soul destroying paths to walk and I’m glad that my friend has the vision and awareness to see that he may be happier if he adjusts his priorities.

But to me no path is the ‘right’ path, every path has different sacrifices for different gains and each person is different. Every day is unique and we all adjust the balance according to the day and according to our preferences.

So I’m not better than anybody. But I’m not worse either. And I’m certainly not worse due to the income and lifestyle I used to have. But in a life that has been over-shadowed by insecurity I am taking this moment to affirm – I’m proud of who I am, I’m proud of what I’ve done and why I did it, and I’m proud of what I do and why I do it.

peace-2

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Black History Month #‎blacklivesmatter‬ #‎alllivesmatter #feminism #whitepriveledge

Black History Month. Supporting minorities does not mean you are at war with majorities (although you might be, I’m not.)

Yeah, there’s no white history month. Yeah, there’s no manism to balance sexism. Yeah ‪#‎blacklivesmatter‬ but why no publicity for ‪#‎alllivesmatter‬?

The mind of duality likes “you’re either with us or against us” but unity consciousness realises life is rarely that simple. It’s multidimensional, there are levels to this ish.

White history is important. But white history has not been erased from history books – do you know who the Moors were? Did you know that the richest man in history, ever, was a black man of the Moorish kingdom you probably never heard about? I never heard about it either, not til my thirties and a conversation with Afrika Bambaataa. Greek History and Roman History and English History and American History are generally in our history books. But the Kingdom of Kush (Egypt) is full of mythology, not history, and the Moors are just swept under the carpet (apart from the racist speech in True Romance – amazing movie.)

Male issues matter. But men don’t get paid less on average and are less likely to get raped, and did not receive the centuries of repression from wise women wbeing found and murdered duyring the “witch hunts” to women’s role in the Bible being apparently marginalised in the editing. Yes, men have been damaged by the patriarchy as well, now although there is a resurgence in the Divine Feminine but we don’t even know what the divine masculine is. It doesn’t help that when someone does try to reassert masculinity it’s some guy travelling the world apparently trying to justify rape. No, just no. Yeah, He-Man is an unrealistic role model as well, but with Barbie, most skinny pop stars (who are under pressure from record labels to lose weight), most skinny actresses (who are under pressure from Studios to lose weight) and every magazine cover systematically eroding the self-esteem of our sisters and daughters it is clear to me that although men need to work out what it is we celbrate when we celebrate men, the patriarchy has done and continues to do more damage to women than to men. Before 1918 no women were allowed to vote in parliamentary elections in the UK. The Nineteenth Amendment, which prohibited state or federal sex-based restrictions on voting, was ratified by sufficient states in 1920 in the USA. That’s not a long time ago.

I don’t pretend to be an expert on gender issues or feminism. With the definition of “feminist” appearing to change over the years and with gender becoming an ever more sensitive issue with more and more less dual gender titles being introduced rather than label myself as feminist I simply say I support gender equality yet I am aware I am ignorant of many of the issues.

Yes, I actually use both hashtags #alllivesmatter and #blacklivesmatter. Because yes, all lives matter. But unarmed black men get shot in the back while they’re running away.

So I hope that makes sense, supporting minorities does not mean you’re at war with majorities. Although, like I said – the mind of duality likes “you’re either with us or against us” – that’s just fear talking.

There are these movements to support minorities because white history is generally called “history”, women get paid less and treated worse in general and unarmed black men get shot in the back by cops who never get arrested for it.

White history is important. Male issues are important. All lives matter. So yeah, I love white people, I love my fellow men, and I think all lives matter but excuse me if I celebrate Black History month, support feminism (that’s for gender equality, not the hatred of men) and use the hashtag #blacklivesmatter when posting something about unarmed black men getting shot in the back.

 

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/world-history/meet-mansa-musa-i-of-mali-the-richest-human-being-in-all-history-8213453.html

 

African Influence On Early Greeks

 

http://www.nathanielturner.com/missingnosesinkemetsculpture.htm

 

When Black Men Ruled the World: 8 Things The Moors Brought to Europe

 

 

ODB named himself the Egyptian God Osiris at one point. He also saved a little girls life. The conscious aspects of his existence have been overshadowed by his drug addiction and wild lifestyle. 2Pac wrote poetry, songs empowering women and black empowerment. The conscious aspects of his existence have been overshadowed by his gangsta persona and the media reporting false charges. Even recent black history gets buried under sensationalism.o

 

The Big Questions

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I have big questions for you. The big questions. But first, the intro.

 

So… according to Rudolf Steiner’s philosophy of Anthroposophy between the ages of 49 – 56 is a period when our ‘will’ is dominated by intention. Prior to that our will is dominated by instinct before the age of 7, Drive from 7 – 14, Desire from 14 – 21 etc. For example from 42 – 49 it is dominated by Wish – which is characterised by striving for more, and Intention is when pre-incarnation stuff kicks in, your ‘life-purpose’ stuff that usually expresses itself as a question.

Now these ages are guidelines. I’ve been contemplating my life’s purpose since I was a child. It was probably also accelerated by studying Philosophy at Uni. My two big questions were “What happens after life / after death?” and “What is the point of life?”

As incredulous as it may sound to some there is quite alot of evidence for reincarnation. That’s where I am with it for now. It’s not a religious conviction, it’s what I’ve seen the most evidence for. BUT I admit I may have simply found what I was looking for. What is the point of life? I think it’s different for each individual. I used to think it was to spread love and wisdom, but that may be the point of MY life. Maybe I don’t have a right to tell an arms dealer that they are not living the right way? Maybe I have a right to my opinion. But blame is pretty useless in my experience.

My life’s path appeared to be “to rap”. Then it evolved to “to perform poetry”. Now it appears to be “to teach, and perform in various ways.” But I was always trying to teach with my words, whether they were raps, poems or comic book scripts. It may continue to evolve.

 

My questions have evolved as well, partly due to studying spiritual, occult and esoteric stuff. “What is God?” “What is the nature of reality?” I don’t know at what point to give you the caveat but it feels right to give it before the answers I’ve got so far. The caveat is that one of my most powerful spiritual experiences taught me, through difficult experience, that is is more worthwhile to enjoy your life and help others enjoy theirs than to spend your time studying and deliberating over what it all means – because you’ll always get more questions than answers (due to the fractal, ever expanding, ever more complex, ever deeper nature of reality.)

What is God? I’m not trying to prove God exists. I’m trying to bridge a semantic gap – IF God exists what is it? If God doesn’t exist, what are we saying is non-existent? You don’t have to believe in a religion or in an omnipotent man with a beard to believe that reality, or the universe, has a consciousness and a purpose. But you don’t have to believe that either.

Okay, from the most objective standpoint whether I believe in God or not for me nature and science are self-evident. However science hasn’t got all the answers to ‘what is consciousness’ and the fact that nature is scientific and mathematical doesn’t make it any less beautiful or worthy of praise and gratitude. Is everything conscious? I don’t know, some spiritual bods say so, some quantum physicists say so. It’s all a tad beyond comprehension to be honest. For example they also say time is an illusion, but even Einstein had to admit it’s a “very persistent” illusion. But from my own experience of how malleable consciousness is and from what I’ve read about peer reviewed, repeatable experiments, such as the one with random number generators and group intention to name one of a few consciousness experiments, consciousness is evidently shared to a certain extent. The brain may be a receiver rather than the creator.

Anyway, beyond the speculation if I had to answer the question now I would say God is nature, science and/or a consciousness that pervades both and all of us. The open intelligence of mother nature herself. The force that made us, and writes my poems is the force that gives me inspiration for my poems and made the sun moon and stars. When I say it’s science, I don’t mean it’s just scientists and the sum of our scientific knowledge. I means it’s all the science that we don’t know yet too, and may never know or understand.

I don’t think it’s a man. Or how it could have a gender, but if it’s the source of all creation and I was forced to personify it with a dual gender I would probably assign it the gender that gives birth.

 

Mother nature?

Just a point of view.

 

What is the nature of reality? A holographic projection created by each of our individual (the illusion of individual) minds creating the shared reality experienced by the one shared consciousness – mother nature, God etc. It is whatever you believe, with the limitation that it is subject to the beliefs of the individuals around you UNLESS your will is strong enough that your beliefs over-ride the beliefs of those around you. However in my experience knowing “I will succeed at achieving my dreams” regardless of what other people think is more likely to succeed than “I will succeed at walking through this wall to prove that I live in Matrix and I am more powerful than you think.”

 

AND ANOTHER THING!

 

Did Christ exist? Does it matter if it makes you a better person brothers?

And sisters. But too many use religion just for hurtin’ others.

(That was going to be a rap but that’s as far as I got.)

 

So. Do you have other answers?

What happens in the after life?

What is the purpose of life?

What is God?

What is the nature of reality?

Did Christ exist? Does it matter?

 

(Yes, that was the rant.)