Happy Solstice, merry Xmas and perfect New Year.
You can’t just leave it at that though can you Kev? Well I could but I didn’t.
Fun times in 2013, from Happy Daze club nights to festival season to Rainbow Gatherings to Amma to Dub Revolution radio shows to supporting Gaudi and Zion Train to hosting an indoor hippy-fest in a Church and all the crazy stuff in-between. And the Kernow crew and the Geordie massive. Thanks to everyone who made this year memorable. Loved it.
But this year there have also been what could be perceived to be tests, sometimes massive tests, not just for me but for most of the most positive people I know. Sometimes it’s been heavy this year.
I’ve avoided heavy situations and sometimes even heavy conversations so much in recent years cos I’m well over sensitive. Seeking to replace or avoid emotions rarely works, but they will go or change eventually inevitably but the universe isn’t letting me run away anymore. Death. Heartbreak. Insanity. They have all shown their faces and screamed “coward!” at me. I am not my heroes. But that’s fine, I’ve been my own hero before, I’ll be my own hero again. And I’ve also been brave before and I’m choosing to be brave now.
A wise person once told me that bravery is not a lack of fear but acting despite your fear. And the word courage has the same roots as the Spanish word for heart – corazon.
I have been shown some of my greatest strengths this year and shown what i can achieve. And also some of my weaknesses and what I have hidden from myself. Character traits I didn’t want to admit to myself that I still carry. Okay, I’m human, move along (but deal with it.)
Self esteem seems to ebb and flow like lunar phases, seasons and everything else – oblivious to success or defeat. Are these even my emotions I’m feeling? Do I feel them because of things i’ve experienced recently or things that I’ve buried in the past? Most likely all of the above.
I feel like I’m growing quickly in every direction, much like Bruce Banner as he becomes the Hulk, I’m stretching my boundaries (like Hulk’s pants), becoming more capable and experienced but the change is a scary process and I don’t know if I’ll be able to control what I become or the environment it may put me in.
I feel like the more knowledge I attain the more equipped I am to sense potential challenges before they happen, Spider-sense tingling, but also experience has taught me not to be too sure or arrogant. With great power comes great responsibility.
Speaking of power I don’t want to clog newsfeeds and inboxes unless I’m having a positive effect. Sometimes I use that power to ask for help, most of the time I use that power to share wisdom and information (and humour) but occasionally I use it to vent. I nearly always regret it when I use it to vent.
I used to obsessively write poems with positive affirmations about myself to make myself feel better. I was a depressed and angry teenager, I don’t know what made the difference, my friends were probably an even better influence than the positive affirmations. I still get sad and I still get angry but it doesn’t last so long now.
Yes, i have whole rap albums full of positive affirmations that rhyme. And people like them. But people really relate to the sad, moody, painful poems. Everyone knows how it feels to be sad or in pain, few know how it feels to meditate in lesser-known stone circles or have the entirely subjective mystical experiences I used to share more freely. But meditating in sacred places on sacred days didn’t give me the discipline to meditate every day. And it didn’t give me any special powers to stop feeling sadness or pain.
People also relate to poetry where we the poets remind you the listener how wonderful it is to be you and alive. It doesn’t have to be self-referential. Positive affirmations like “I can do anything” are true, good reminders and sound great, but “YOU can do anything” feels even better, and “WE can do anything”? Well that’s perfect.
We can co-create an existence with more love and joy. If there has been pain and if there has been sadness let it be, it will change. Some heavy stuff, yeah, I write because expressing myself is healing for myself but I share because empathy may be healing for you. Maybe you will see lessons reflected in your experiences. Maybe we can help each other.
Most of my heroes are not superheroes, some of them are real people, not just celebrities or even revolutionaries or even gurus. Some of them are some of you.
So thank you for being you.
I wish you all a happy solstice, a merry Xmas and a perfect New Year. May all our dreams come true. With more love and more joy xxx