More 0pen with Less Judgment

This… this has been brewing…

There, but for a lack of education in the nature of the mind, go I. We are not taught to love ourselves, in fact we are assaulted every day by advertising that preys on our insecurities. We are not even taught how to breathe properly (unless you have a yoga teacher or chi gung teacher in infancy). We are not taught how to love each other, indeed I suspect that the so-called elite are taught from a young age to have contempt for what they consider to be the lower classes (in fact we’re taught to perceive class and then taught to hate and compete with other classes rather being taught to see individuals with no defined separation). And I cannot expect everyone to be inclined to think outside the box for fear of being ostracised. So how can I blame anyone for anything?

I started 2015 with a very neutral viewpoint. After focussing on creativity and being motivated by politics for many years – pro-peace and pro-sustainable (read anti-war and anti-capitalist if you’re still running those operating systems.) This severely limited the jobs I would work in, the ways I would live and even the people I would hang out with. Certain political points of view would anger me, and I couldn’t work with people who would anger me. Then 2014 depression came and by 2015 I was numb, almost as a subconscious act of self preservation I became numb in the awareness of the alternative I can experience as extreme empathy, it hurts. I no longer had well defined political opinions or a moral stance, every question on the subject was met with – “it’s complicated”, or “I don’t wanna talk about it”. I didn’t want to be restricted anymore, but I wasn’t sure where I was willing to compromise, where I might feel I was selling out and where I might feel I was merely growing up.

I’m still not entirely sure. I am more open now. But some lines are being re-drawn (just in pencil instead of pen this time).

Somewhere mid-2015 I became less numb. Refugees. War. Racism created by fear promoted by a sensationalist media. What I perceived to be avoidable refugees running from avoidable wars for resources we shouldn’t even be using anymore because oil is unsustainable and there are lots of sustainable solutions that would cost the oil companies a fraction of their profits to implement. Why does this not happen? Because those are fractions of billions, and a corporation’s only responsibility is to make profit for the shareholders.

So… People are dying every day due to our tax money funding unnecessary wars. At one point in my life I was so emotionally and ideologically opposed to being any part of that I dropped out of society – no rent, no council tax, no bills, no JSA, no address – nada. Those lines got rubbed out and re-drawn a few times since then. I still think it’s a valid stance, but it’s not one that serves me now, not when I can see how much good I can do with money and a stable home. (And quite frankly I was sick of being cold and feeling unappreciated.)

So I had a few powerful conversations in 2015 that helped me see a new goal. Kanada of Embercombe in particular reignited a fire in me that I had allowed to dim. When I attended a talk she did as part of the talk she recited a Hopi prophecy I had heard many times before – it had inspired alot of my closest friends – but the passion and the context and the synchronicity of it in that moment made me cry and made me care again. Numbness be gone. I was strong enough for empathy again. It made me celebrate the tribe I had found when I “let go of the sides” in the rapid flow of change. It made me grateful that I had gone an unconventional route and that I had prioritised my principles, that I knew where to find spring water, that I was living where I was living at least for now, harnessing the right relationships, that I was doing things that fulfilled me creatively as they would later fulfill me financially. Some of those principles had fallen a a little by the way-side but it was enough to make me feel, yeah, I’m proud of who I am, what I do and why I do it. But if I didn’t allow mainstream society to fill me with doubt, if I didn’t allow anxiety to hold me back I could do so much more. I have big ideas. It made me cry. Tears of guilt and tears of pride, conflicting powerful emotions.

I have recently had a conversation over New Years Eve that re-clarified my political perceptions. I don’t have political ‘beliefs’ anymore, I have perceptions. Beliefs appear fixed, perceptions imply that your view is just one angle that is subject to change. I can’t blame the politicians or corporations if they have been taught since childhood by everything around them that profit is the most important thing. I will be the change, I will continue to show people that other things, intangible things; like emotions, love, respect, legendary status, hugs and good memories are important too. But I will make more profit than I did in the past so those people who only respect money will respect my opinion. And so I have the freedom and power to make positive changes in my life and others.

So… 2016. I’m gonna be more open. I’m not going to be afraid of socialising with people richer than me. They’ll finance my ingenious ideas. That’s right, I said it. I’m not gonna worry about my old activist friends judging me for wearing a suit. I look damn good in a suit. I’m not gonna be afraid of asking to get paid for what I do. I’ve done gigs for free when I had no money and lived in a warehouse with no central heating. I have nothing to prove to anybody. And if I’m ver afraid, or if I ever worry I’m not gonna judge myself for worrying. Social awkwardness happens to all of us, and bravery is not lack of fear it’s acting despite it. I’ll try to be brave.

More open, less judgment.

I will try not to judge and I will try not to blame because most of us lack an education in the nature of the mind and in the nature of reality. But I will merely try to be the change I want to see.

I AM the change I want to see. And we are the one’s we’ve been waiting for. Why would it be anyone else?

{I will also try to write things like this during the day instead of 5 in the morning so I can sleep at night and walk my talk during the day!}

 

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{I will also try to write things like this during the day instead of 5 in the morning so I can sleep at night and walk my talk in the day!}

 

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10 Years of Bristol (9 years a Druid and 7 years aware of Balanced View)

10 Years of Bristol, 9 years a Druid and 7 years aware of Balanced View. I have recently moved back to London. This has prompted lots of reflection recently. One decade that spanned across Saturn’s return.

ganesh turquoise purple

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10 Years of Bristol, 10 years ago I left London and moved to Bristol. I had been getting depressed working temp jobs and after a summer of performing poetry at festivals that summer I decided I would move to either Brighton or Bristol and focus solely on performance. The I-Ching said “the South-West will be fortunate”. Decision made. It was fortunate.

9 years a Druid, 9 years ago I had been in Bristol for a year and on Spring Equinox 2006 I was knighted by the man who calls himself King Arthur (for the record, yes, I also call him King Arthur), and I was dubbed a Shield Knight and Bard. A Bard is a writer and performer who spreads knowledge and wisdom. A Shield Knight is a recognition of an original incarnation. I have remained a part-time Druid, but I tend to find special places to be on Solstices and Equinoxes and I do not believe it is a superstition, I believe it is a science.

Yeah, I blogged this way back in 2006, remember ‘Tribe’? Not the TV show, the blog page, but yeah, remember the TV show too? It was bang on it!) http://people.tribe.net/knowledgeispower23/blog/df4bcbad-481d-4e1a-9cf2-fa57cf1d0663

EDIT – My journey to Druidry has since been reblogged on wordpress here –

https://kpkevthepoet.wordpress.com/2015/10/13/becoming-a-druid-the-chat-with-susanna-lafond-and-the-knighting-of-a-hip-hop-bard-druid-druidry-bard/

7 years aware of Balanced View. Balanced View is a training in the nature of the mind. When I first encountered the Balanced View teaching I was in a confident place. I had been in Bristol for 3 years, I had successfully avoided and replaced the things that brought up my anxiety and depression, I had avoided my parents, I had avoided jobs that force me to socialise with people that didn’t share my opinions and by living with squatters, hippies, musicians, activists, political people and spiritual people I had surrounded myself with people who supported me and my ideals. Which has it’s positives, but these positives were temporary. I had changed my mind and changed my being, but not to the extent with which I could live with people I disagreed with or work with people I disagreed with without encountering anxiety and/or depression. When I first encountered the Balanced View teaching I rejected it, because I did not think that I needed it, and after curing my depression by avoiding and replacing I was highly suspicious of any organisation that offered help. I attended the very first Balanced View classes that were held in Bristol but I dropped out. Since then I have witnessed many friends get involved with Balanced View and most of them have increased in confidence, ability, are less held back by their perceived ‘weaknesses’ and are more fuelled by a knowledge of their strengths, gifts and talents. I have since attended more Balanced View trainings and they have been invaluable with learning more about myself and being content and productive with anxiety and depression. My initial reluctance is more complicated than just a misplaced confidence at the time, but the source of my resistance was complex and discussing them in public may hamper other people’s experience of it. I can simplify by saying that I felt that it did not have what I would call an authentic lineage but I was simply wrong, it does have what I would call an authentic lineage and they had good reason for not talking about it early in it’s development. I am not qualified to tell you what Balanced View teaches but what I can say is nothing has helped me deal with anxiety and depression quite as efficiently as Balanced View. http://www.balancedview.org

So. That’s that.

But no, no it isn’t. It doesn’t even mention the Tibetan monks, the Sufi chants, the Tasmanian Rainforest or the Canadian immigration cell (long story short – internet romance + no visa + honesty about financial situation = Canadian immigration cell.) It doesn’t mention meeting KRS-One in Stonehenge, it doesn’t mention meeting a Tibetan lama in a hostel in Barcelona, and it doesn’t explain how these experiences made me convinced that I had a ‘spiritual’ path but were inconclusive in giving that path a definition or an independent nature from any other kind of life. It’s all spiritual, we’re all spiritual, if you believe in spirit at all. It doesn’t explain how even these magical moments were also source of ego, pride and ultimately depression. It doesn’t explain how I lived with activists in a rainforest in Tasmania until the fear, the racism, the misplaced guilt for an activists suicide and an a realisation that I did not wish to impose my will on others, a realisation I could not express through fear of ostracisation led to both fear and depression yet again.  It doesn’t mention any of the people who helped make it special, Craig r Ninjah, Adam Place, Michael Stanton, Ben Tree, Daniel Waples, Dav, 12 Volt Joe, Louise Stewart Daisy, Danielle, Big Rick, Bouncing Tim (and that’s just a list of people who let me sleep on their couch, or in their van or caravan off the top of my head – Adam Place was actually the first person I lived with in Bristol and is now the proud inventor of the AlphaSphere – the best new digital instrument that you want.) http://www.alphasphere.com/
It doesn’t mention how Coed Hills became the place to spend solstices after Stonehenge and how a little-known stoney Longbarrow became home for a small tribe after that. It doesn’t mention how my values and the values of mainstream society have been worlds apart, I have found it hard to care about money but care alot about honour and love, yet even when I have lots of honour, love and respect I can sometimes let the way I believe society would perceive me affect my self esteem in a negative way. It mentions the depression but it doesn’t explain it. If I don’t make lots of money am I a failure? No. Well yes and no because there is no such thing as success, failure, honour, love or money, they exist only as abstract concepts. There is also no such thing as me, I’m another abstract concept. And the abstract concept that there are no real things, just abstract concepts, is one I started to grasp when I read the Tao Teh Ching aged twelve (the root of taoism which is the root of the Yin-Yang symbol), and one I experienced directly via shamanic techniques in 2006 but despite these realisations Balanced View was the training that provided a technique to see this perception for short moments many times. This perception has not yet become continuous.

What follows are various shades of things I have said about the past ten years since I moved back to London a month ago.

xxx xxxxx xxxxxxxx

Nov 9
I’ve been on a personal, emotional, psychological and spiritual journey for the past year particularly but my whole 10 year pilgrimage to Bristol, Glastonbury, Tasmania and beyond was all of the above really. I’m back in London putting my heart and head back together and studying to be a Steiner school kindergarten teacher now.

Nov 10
Loads has happened since then, I was working three different youth work jobs in Bristol but none of them full time enough to pay my bills and I started a part-time Steiner school course in London. My financial issues didn’t help my depression, my options became take any job offered or move out and I chose to move out in October so I am currently living with my mum (rent free) in London…

Nov 11 (13 days ago)
I often feel like I’m just one anxiety peaking difficult phonecall from completely giving up on this shit and dropping out of this corrupt and hypocritical ‘society’ again, but I should at least save a lil cash before I do that next time and I’d like to finish my Steiner school course too. But my inability to cope with little things like talking to banks or HMRC without getting emotional (or angry) makes me feel like I’m really not made for modern western society, which then makes me feel like a loser so then the depression kicks in cos I ain’t built for this shit and then it all starts to spiral. So, short moment. Everything’s perfect. Even the anxiety and depression. And keep it moving. There is no need to let my self esteem be affected by ability or willingness to participate in ‘the game’, but in reality I am able to do anything. Short moment. None of this matters. Give it a day or two and I’ll be jamming with lovely people (or myself) and have completely forgotten that a couple of phonecalls made me feel like this.

Nov 11
I spent half n hour on hold to the HMRC just trying to find out what the letters they’ve sent to my old house are about, expecting fines for not doing a tax return or responding to their letters or something. And in the end I just hung up cos I was sooo anxious waiting. I often feel like I’m just one anxiety peaking difficult phonecall from completely giving up on this shit and dropping out of this ‘society’ again like when I was squatting and living with activists, but I know I want to save more cash before I do that next time and I’d like to finish my Steiner school course too. But my anxiety with talking to banks or HMRC makes me feel like I’m really not made for modern western society at all sometimes, which then makes me feel like a loser who can’t cope with modern day life so then the depression kicks in and then it all starts to spiral. I got 9 quid in the bank and I’m planning to spend 5 of that on getting to Bristol this weekend lol My mum will probably lend me cash for travel and training but that doesn’t help my self esteem either. I know it’ll all change.

Nov 12
I have been living my dreams and thinking up new ones
I wanted to be famous rapper at first. I succeeded in becoming a semi-famous rapper and a semi-famous poet.
I always aimed to be respected by the festival scene and the squat scene, by spiritual people and by the grassroots people. and I achieved that. The Druids ask me to perform at Stonehenge on the Solstice and I have hosted dance stages at Glastonbury.
If I aimed for money instead of love and respect maybe I would have earned more money. But I got what I wanted – love and respect some days that is enough, some days my self esteem wants more. Now my new dream is to qualify as a Steiner school teacher so I can inspire the next generation AND earn enough to travel .
that was the VERY short version haha

(29 minutes ago)
I just had negative emotions associated with London cos I was a temp in offices suffering from depression 10 years ago before I moved to Bristol and became a rebel poet squatter suffering from delusions of grandeur and avoiding the appearances of depression and anxiety by surrounding myself with likeminded people. Now I’m back in London and I’ve found balance – I still suffer from depression and anxiety but I don’t avoid them by surrounding myself with likeminded people, I just outshine them by telling like minded people that I’m anxious and depressed and realise that it actually doesn’t matter. Kev’s past ten years in one easy paragraph (minus the druids, the anarchists, the broken hearts, the epic romances, spoiled goddesses, buddhism, taoism, sufism, balanced view and back to {freestyle} buddhism and an extremely long list of ridiculous coincidences.) :-p x

 knighted synchromystickz mike n ben

 bris fest 1

big treeninja kev

king craig n bard kev

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