Love, Death and More Love

The inevitability of death is most painful to me right now, the feeling will pass and it’s such a typical existential angst that it hardly seems worth mentioning. But it’s there at the back of my mind, that and an inability to express my love for everyone to the extent I would like to. Either because I couldn’t find the words if I tried and because it’s not socially acceptable to just tell people “I fucking love you. Like so much.” (Unless they’re your partner, in which case it’s socially acceptable but preferable in private.) And thirdly the inability to express how important I feel it is for us all to express our love for each other.

I think I express it more than most. But I want to express it more. Cos one day we’ll most likely be dead.

I love you guys n gals, I love you for letting me express myself, I love you for expressing yourselves, I love you for sharing things that may be socially unacceptable in places less safe. Spread love, we might as well.

(And to quote the Vulcan’s, “live long and prosper.”) x

love 655f3775861ba17b2c7cb4b8a71b733f

(artwork by the legend Alex Grey.)




Stream of Consciousness (CBD and Samurai)

Stream of consciousness, sometimes I’m inspired, sometimes I’m not, sometimes I feel like William Blake on Acid in conversation with Rumi, and sometimes I feel like a loser who can’t hold down a full time job cos he suffers from depression and delusions of grandeur. Sometimes eating CBD oil and watching Samurai movies are your only options cos there’s no one to hug you, existence seems pointless and you live in an age where honour has no value apart from among friends, and you’re all made to feel crazy for valuing something that has no monetary value.

There’s blue lightning in my third eye, a bald, black man with a shield and a spear put it there. It may be a figment of my imagination. It may be a delusion. Perhaps my delusions give my life meaning. Perhaps without delusion I would have killed myself long ago. Tomorrow I may wake up and remember all the good things; butterflies, hugs, that feeling when you’re stood by the speaker and the bass blows your thoughts away. I may. No, this existence thing, it’s certainly not all bad, is it?


Charlotte Emily Bevan (a poem for Charlotte and Zaani)

A friend of mine died this week with her newborn child. It was headline national news which made the tragedy even more surreal.

Charlotte and Zaani – a poem for Charlotte Emily Bevan {the full version}

What a horrific tragedy. The stuff of nightmares.

Mother and newborn child. Dead.

Was this the child’s choice between lifetimes or extreme misfortune for mere mortals?

She suffered from depression. Did the mother reach a point where coping with life in this society was just too much? Did she decide this world wasn’t worthy of her child, did her baby deserve better than this polluted rock? Does ever child deserve better?

Or did she just slip off the bridge?

It is what it is and that’s all it is. She was an amazing, sensitive, creative, caring woman with seemingly super-human empathy. Empathy hurts sometimes.

She deserved better than this world would give her, but speculating is merely speculating.

All I know is that her spirit, her soul, whatever gave that beautiful face life, that is gone from her body. ‘Why’ is a question that may remain unanswered.

I can no longer communicate with that body. Whether or not I can communicate with that soul or spirit is a question of imagination, or sanity, or will that may remain unanswered.

All I know is that a new-born, the very picture of power-born infinite potential and innocence is dead. But what power and influence this child has had in just four days, embedded in the national consciousness.

For every mother. For anybody who has ever been depressed. Let us make a world worthy of innocence. Like the Sistine Maddona and Child. Let us be there for each other. With Love.

xxx xxxxx xxxxxxxx

An Angel no longer restricted by what Albert Einstein
Referred to as the persistent illusion of time.

An Angel no longer restricted by the tensions of depressions,
No longer restricted by these three dimensions.

As Craig said, “Fly Free”, I say maybe somewhere Heavenly
On a journey we’ll all join you on eventually.

Perspective: we’re all gonna get there some way.
Let us be there for each other. With love. Every day x

(Inspired by Charlotte Emily Bevan and her child, also by Craig Reynolds and Lynne Oldfield)



kevin panton, “kevin panton”, “kevin”, “panton”, “kev panton”, “kevin panton”

Racism, The EU and the New World Order… The Racist Agenda of the New World Order / Illuminati / Banking Elite and Resistance to the EU without Racism…

Speculative data. This is an experiment and I honestly believe that I’ll get open and honest discussion but if it results in angrily swapping opinions as fact I’ll delete it and never do anything like it again.

Now anyone who is a facebook friend knows I like to research alternative information from alternative media. Now I have to state for the skeptics that I do not assume that alternative media is right, I just know for sure that I do not trust mainstream media. Most of you know that I have an interest in Eastern philosophy and New Age spirituality. These are the things I choose to share. Some of you may be aware that I am interested in conspiracy facts, by which I mean documented factual history that has been admitted like MK Ultra and the Tuskegee experiments and also conspiracy theories which are speculative. I do not share the theories much anymore, they have a negative effect on my credibility as well as just spread negativity and unnecesarilly pollute the collective consciousness with negative unknowns. I am also an amateur theologian, I have an interest in the true roots of Christianity, the Essenes and the true history and teachings of Christ. I do not share that much either because Christianity is seen as ‘uncool’ and most of you don’t care, it’s only an interest because I was raised a Christian and I have one foot still in that belief system for reasons too complex to explain, suffice to say I the teachings of Christ and the actions of the Church often couldn’t be further from each other.

Okay, that’s the playing field. I have two points that have been in my head for years and I can’t keep them to myself anymore.

Point number 1. One of the threads that conspiracy theories and facts will pull up is the idea that the powerful elite, the banking families, the New World Order and/or the Illuminati want a one world Government with little or no civil liberties (meaning no freedoms, no freedom of speech, freedom of movement, no freedom to say what you want or go where you want without permission). Some recent events might support that theory, ID cards that you pay for everything with scared lots of people who realised they can switch those cards off. But the thing about the One World Government thing is that it might be a reason not to be o eager to become one big European country. It may be that the only opposition to that aspect of the New World Order in this country are the xenophobic racists in UKIP and the EDL. I know there are people who are not racist who do not want to see such centralisation of power but I do not know many organisations with that perception. Discuss (politely if you can).

I don’t share that perception much because it’s a perception that is shared mainly by racists, which is ironic when you see what point number 2 will be.

I dunno, that is probably just pointless description of undefinable perceptions of things that I can’t stop thinking about that could all be sorted out if we all did less thinking or more finding inner peace and helping each other perhaps? Maybe I’m just shaking a hornets nest. I have to express myself, when I’m enlightened enough to express nothing but “everything is perfect, don’t worry about the future” I’ll let you know.

Point number 2. I really don’t understand the racist agenda. I mean really. Most of the motivations of the powerful elite, the banking families, the New World Order and/or the Illuminati I can understand even if I disagree with them – financial greed seems to be the motivation. Whether it’s oil money, or war money, or banking money, or selling the NHS money you can see clearly why and how. But there were particular incidents, like Martin Luther King, an entirely peaceful man, being on the FBIs most wanted list, or even more sinister, The Tuskegee experiments – in which strictly black pilots were experimented on with syphillis (seriously, look it up) – which seem to have no motivation other than a fear or hatred of black people. There is no monetary gain from killing black people. Now I could list a bunch of bad things that happened to black people due to the powers that be but there’s not much point. I could be accused of playing the race card in which case I may be forced to post a bunch of facts, figures, and videos I usually keep to myself (it’s true, despite the amount I share on facebook there is still a whole load that I don’t share.) But I really don’t get the racist agenda. Is it fear, or hatred, or something more esoteric than that? Maybe it’s simple, mummy was racist, daddy was racist, that’s what they learned and that’s what they’ll teach their children? Just doing the best with what they have learned? Alot of black activists say it’s because if the races mixed eventually the white gene will be wiped out. Fear of a brown planet? (For the record I am similarly confused by what appears to be the supposed ruling classes obsession with child abuse and the complete lack of financial motive there, is it ritualistic or are they just emotionally and psychologically damaged bullies of the the most extreme sort? A subject for a whole other essay and a whole other day perhaps.)

Discuss (politely if you can).

I don’t know what I am expecting. Do I just need to vent or do I really believe someone can finish a sentence that starts “the new world order hate black people because – “? Maybe I just needed to write that to realise how ridiculous ever understanding other human beings can be beyond realising that we’re all doing our best with what we know.

Personal aside, Public Enemy, a rap group I have loved since I was 4, and one of the most legendary of all time had an album called Fear of a Black Planet. They also had a song called Fight the Power. Years later, maybe a year or two ago, they lent that song to a campaign that subverted the original meaning, or transmuted the original meaning. “No, BE the Power.”

Hm… just cos I can’t stop thinking about all this does that mean I should burden other people. Ignorance is bliss, maybe I should just leave people to their bliss? Just stop thinking for short moments many times, I tend to get more of a birds eye view perception with each moment of relaxed, still, emptiness. But it’s not easy for a philosophy graduate who loves to write, sometimes the words are fighting their way out of me.

I do not know if sharing the above was a power or a weakness. Maybe it would have been more powerful to feel the anxious energy of unasked questions and rest with it. Maybe it all exists just so I could repeat those three words.

Be the power.

The Inherent Hypocrisy of Being Aware in Western Civilisation (Spiritually induced depression and a manifestation list)

My friend Raphael said “You should create a course! I’m sure you could come up with something amazing! Like “How to cope with spiritually induced depression – the Taoist way”
My friends give me the funniest advice ever sometimes. I’m not sure if they’re being uber-wise or taking the piss or both. Either way, I might just do that. Might need to give it some time though, just to be sure that I am indeed coping… (for the record Raphael is a super-hero who buried orgone generators in several former Nazi concentration camps and sent healing to the land.)

Someone asked “Umm ‘spiritually induced depression’? Please illuminate that for a start”

Well spiritually induced depression because part of my spiritual path and/or part of personality is an immense sense of empathy. The bodhisatva path of buddhism talks of making an oath not to go to the enlightened realms until all other beings have attained enlightenment and escaped the wheel of suffering. The Christian path says that our main role model and the Son of God was tortured and killed before attaining the light-body and ascension. We have this data to play with, various martyr stories where the hero must suffer for the greater good. I do not know to what extent it is just my personality or to what extent I was influenced by these ideas but personally when the news says 1000 of bombs were dropped on Iraq, or hundreds of bombs were dropped on Palestine I do not just hear numbers. I feel thousands of innocent lives being taken for greed, families torn apart, loss, grief, unneccessary suffering. My taxes pay for that. Our taxes pay for that. Empathy is part of my spiritual path but that empathy is part of the roots of my depression. Awareness of the political spectrum is part of my spiritual path but that awareness is part of the roots of my depression. I see and feel more than most people it seems but this awareness is not the Jedi mind tricks I wished for, it’s a sensitivity and often a pain and an ache. In short my spiritual path makes me more aware and that awareness offten makes me sad. And very few people understand it, they just think I avoid situations because I am weak or lazy or they think I am passionate because I am angry but I genuinely just think about stuff that doesn’t help my self esteem and feel stuff for other people I will never meet and have no personal connection to. I just don’t want anyone to be sad ever, I care but I can never do enough to ease the suffering myself. Short moments many times. There’s nothing to do, the struggle is illusion and if it wasn’t for the pain we wouldn’t know the joy. Easy for me to say though, my house isn’t getting bombed.

to be honest it is hard to be alive and aware in the Western world without being either a hypocrite or a martyr so I try not to think too much. When I was trying not to be a hypocrite I refused benefits, and lived in squats but I still survived on the excesses of Western society when I was eating out of skips, something or someone somewhere is always suffering for our joy. I just try to make a difference where I can and try not to suffer depression by thinking about all of the above too much. This is why “stop thinking for short moments many times” is particularly good advice for me. The only way not to be a hypocrite in the Western World is to go straight to Parliament right now and say and/or do things that will either raise awareness of the arms trade, exploitation of Africa, and/or existence of sustainable alternatives and/or get you arrested. I’m not prepared to leave the house right now to get myself arrested but I may stop eating meat forever. I haven’t made a decision there yet. Oooh, get myself arrested by Gomez. Vintage.

When I stop thinking for a short moment I don’t want anything, I have everything I need and the universe is perfection. When I am in that state of realisation, of Gnosis, of truth there is no need for things like ‘manifestation lists’. There is no need. But lists are fun and I am not always in that state… here is a manifestation list 😉

I want to be happy, healthy and wealthy, inspired and inspiring with the freedom to travel, and the confidence to help others, content on my own but with a lover who inspires me as I inspire her or lovers who inspire me as I inspire them, to love myself and respect myself as we love each other and respect each other.

Music, poems and positive vibes spreading far and wide.

Hugs and cuddles on tap.

Nature only a short walk away.

Several thousand pounds to invest in positive futures will be mine, thank you universe.

(A billion pounds would be nice) 🙂

(here is a lovely photo of the Dogon Tribe,students of the Nommo from Sirius, skanking out inna tribal stylee wearing my favourite colours.)

Screen Shot 2014-11-26 at 22.09.31

Kim Kardashian – That Ass and Your Daughter

Kim Kardashian bares her backside in the Magazine Paper. Is this good, is this bad, or does it not matter?


My question is this – WHAT IS SHE FAMOUS FOR? A sex tape with Ray Jay, then for being Kanye’s wifey, so what have we rewarded? Her selling her body and her association with a talent. So why is she more rich and more famous than all of the talented people I know? Some days I’m just like f*** this planet and f*** the humans on it, we celebrate talentless people with big bums while people who try to uplift their people with knowledge and wisdom can’t pay the bills. If asking that question makes me a hater – I am a hater, all day. But I don’t hate Kim Kardashian, on the contrary, I don’t know her but I admire her ingenuity more than her ass.

If a man were famous for the same reason I’d call him a man-whore. I am calling someone who got famous for having sex on tape a whore because the dictionary definition of a whore is someone who has sex for money. But I do not disrespect sex-workers and I am not disrespecting Kim Kardashian, I am disrespecting the institutions that support the idea that this should make her a celebrity.

Okay, I’ll be take the buddhist perspective for the sake of argument (and not having one). She can do what she wants. I’m not into slut shaming, she can have sex with who she wants. I’m not into policing womens actions. But I’m not into the celebration of mediocrity and talentless reality tv stars regardless of their gender, male or female, I’m not into the celebration of talentless people because they happen to have larger parts of their anatomy regardless of their gender. For the sake of argument (and not having one) I’ll stop being a hater this moment and celebrate her ingenuity, she has somehow got on the front of a magazine by (allegedly) injecting fluid into her buttocks (she claims it’s all natural, and I don’t have the proof or the lawyers to claim otherwise) and somehow she has been named GQ woman of the year for what? For having sex with Ray Jay and marrying Kanye West? She is in fact a marketing genius that has done all this without a single, without an album, with just a reality tv show I’ve never watched but I assume she displayed no talent in cos you don’t need talent for reality TV and she has somehow got complete strangers jumping to her defence when someone points out that she is famous for having sex on camera. She’s a genius businesswoman, there is talent in marketing a fake backside, I’ll give her that. I shall save my hate for the system that supports her and do not assume that there is some sort of gender bias to my disgust at mainstream media and mainstream society’s celebration of nothing in particular… Well done Kim, I take it all back, you’ve done well. It’s not your fault the planet is full of morons, you just saw a gap in the market and made your paper. Big up.

I’m gonna go there. What are we teaching our daughters? That a sex tape and a marriage to a man with talent are viable options for success. Couldn’t GQ find a woman with more talent and dignity to name woman of the year? “Women of colour get your bits out and maybe we will reward you” is the message that GQ, Paper and Kim send. Women like Lauryn Hill and Eryka Badu will get sidelined if they don’t toe the line. The feminists should be upset with GQ for rewarding behaviour that objectifies women, not with men who point it out. She can do what she wants, but when your daughter thinks “I want to make a sex tape with a celebrity so I can be a success too” maybe then we will all reassess our priorities. Just saying.

It’s context. 50 Cent used superficial tactics to man-whore himself to teenage girls cos they buy more records than gangsters, exhibit A 

exhibit B 

and I DO go in on the man-whores but there is context – 50 Cent writes bars, 50 Cent has talent. If 50 Cent was going everywhere topless and he didn’t have any bars and he was only famous for having sex with celebrities on video tape believe me I’d cuss him just as hard. But he is a rapper and an excellent businessman so he has my respect. The gender issue is a cultural context because it is even harder for women to make money in this superficial world we live in, and it is more of an issue that women are valued only for what they look like by sexist men in power and not for what they are capable of. I believe we should not be reinforcing the idea that a woman’s worth is based on the size of her ass or how much of that ass she is willing to show to you. With 50 Cent sex appeal is something he can use as a side dish to lyrics that he wrote and beats Dre produced whereas with Kim Kardashian sex appeal is the main course. I would diss Peter Andre all day, but there’s quite frankly no need.

To be fair 50 Cent’s interviews are pure gold, he drops more wisdom in his interviews than he does in his bars, don’t sleep. And he is one of the realest people I’ve heard talking too, he’s fearlessly honest. I can’t front on that. And to say he doesn’t have bars is unfair, I’m not into what he’s saying but he does have a stylish way of saying it. I’m going off subject just to be little more honest and not to be a COMPLETE hater lol Back on the subject, to answer my question more directly, – in the sexist world we live in we expect a man to have a skill or talent before we crown him with the title ‘celebrity’. If David Beckham couldn’t kick a football he’d just be a good-looking brick layer or something. If 50 Cent couldn’t rap he would be in prison or dead or selling crack waiting to get arrested or shot (again.) But due to the fact that men run the world it enough for a woman to be hot to become a celebrity, all Paris Hilton had to do was get a sex tape too. The only male super-model was Tyrese and he can sing. The fact that the whole world is stunned when an unattractive over-weight girl wins something like X Factor is the problem. That shouldn’t be stunning, it should be the norm, we should EXPECT a singer to rated on their singing voice alone, they’re singers, not models. But we live in a superficial world where women are rated by their looks not their talent and bun anyone or anything that supports that. In my (not as) humble (as it should be) opinion :-p

Aaaaaaanyway, I made my stance rather clear on this earlier this week in this freestyle, even said and I quote “I’m not slut-shaming, don’t be ashamed if your whore – get your money” – man done! 

(Then maybe listen to Erykah Badu and her daughters say everything I was trying to say but put it in a much sweeter way, after all that you deserve something cute and chilled out, trust me, it’s worth the look! 


‘Cacao, Ayahuasca and Rainbow Hippies’, ‘Round Peg – Square Hole’, and ‘Keeping up With the Times’

Round Peg, Square Hole, 

I used to think I was a round peg and couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t fit in a round hole. Then I thought I was a square peg being forced in to a round hole. Then I thought I was a round peg being forced into a square hole. But there is no hole, there is no peg, and there is no system trying to get me in there.

Are you still on a masonic chess board if you pull the board from under both sides and laugh as the pieces go flying? I’m not playing anymore :-p

peghole squareround

xxx xxxxx xxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Keeping up With the Times 

Something happened in the past ten years where the older generation in my family is more tech-savvy than I am. “No mum, I don’t have face time, I don’t know what face time is, my phone is older than my nephew. No, I don’t know how to set up the HDMI (?) cable or the surround sound, I haven’t lived in a house with a television for 10 years. How come your ipad is ringing at the same time as your phone mum?”

Actual quote from this evening, “oh yeah, you can rewind television now. I forgot we live in the future.”

xxx xxxxx xxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Cacao, Ayahuasca and Rainbow Hippies

We used to munch… cacao… by the boat load.
Undercover agents watching our vibes travelling.
They find us online and sing our songs at Rainbow Gatherings.
I’m more concerned with consciousness evolution than battling.

We used to munch… cacao… by the boat load
but found out raw chocolate can be just another addiction.
We found out mama ayahuasca can cure other addictions
But found out ayahuasca can be just another addiction.

It’s all about balance – but you’ve already got it.
All about learning self-love but they could never stop it.
There is no ‘they’, and no cage to unlock it.
And no independent nature so you could never box it.

Hahaha and hohoho!
Just more stuff you already know

Hohoho and hahaha!
We’ve not gone anywhere but come so far… etc.

fight club