All Good In the Pixie Hood – Love lessons, balance and wisdom

I had a couple of thoughts that came up in conversation an meditation recently that I felt inspired to share.

We learn lessons from the past.
I think it’s natural to be aware of our fears and it’s natural to avoid things that have hurt us in the past. BUT one of the lessons I seem to be getting repeated recently is don’t go too far the other way. Just cos you were in a long term relationship doesn’t mean you have to sleep with everybody, just cos you got hurt doesn’t mean you have to be single forever, or just cos you felt you were over sexual before doesn’t mean you have to be celibate now.
It’s all about balance.

Some of those lessons were about me, but most were observations of how others were reacting to prviopre traumas. We can over-share in order to prevent previous traumas.

My mama always said that when you’re young women want bad boys and by the time they get older they realise they’d prefer nice men. She said it to cheer me up about the girls always going for bad boys which fuelled my later self esteem issues. I think a combination of being too nice, too sweet and too romantic made me less attractive to younger women before. It didn’t help that I had low self esteem and no money! Now my self esteem is higher but still fragile, I’m earning more, and despite being a bit more cynical and aware of my depression and anxiety I think I’m still a nice guy, (we all have our bad moments) and if seems like my mum was right. But I’m not sure what I want now.
I hope that I’m still nice and maintaining balance. From one perspective Balance is a process, never finished. From perhaps a higher perspective balance is a constant, its only our limited perception that sees the need for change.

I wanted to help humanity find balance, now I want to help other sensitive, hero complex having light workers like myself see that balance is always there and if we balance within we will see balance outside.

Everything is okay. “Nothing is wrong, everything is permitted.”
We all walk unique paths. Celibacy, polyamoury, monogamy or label-less  intuitive adapting to how you feel in the moment – its all your own your path to do with as you will. Just try to avoid extremism. (And try to be honest with yourself and others to avoid pain for self or others.)

Everything in moderation, including moderation.

Even if a path leads to death it may lead to a happier reincarnation. Indeed, it’s all good in the hood. At least it’s all good in my pixie-hood.





Love on the 7th of the 11th 2016 (reflecting on the morning of the 8th)

Both of us ill. Both of us chill. Somehow a perfect day.

Perfect day.

Cute, funny cartoons.

Deep, philosophical wisdom from spiritual teachers.

Funny and philosophical movie.

Cuddles with the goddess. Empress. Queen.

Enlightened beings discussing their awakenings. Steven Universe helping the Crystal Gems. Doctor Snuggles rescuing the Treacle Tree from outer space. Mooji resisting wisdom before his awakening. Eckhart Tolle suffering depression before his awakening. Adyashanti almost giving up and giving in to death before his awakening. Humility of truth. Truth of humility. Paradoxical power in not fearing to show your weakness. Power.

When my heart cries I live for you. I live to make you happy and to see the things you’ll do. I love myself. I live for me too. But I also live to make you happy and to keep on loving you.

May we enjoy the cute, the funny, the deep, the philosophical, the wisdom, the spiritual forever in the apparent illusion of time. Let’s enjoy the now that is eternal. May we help each other through the swings and roundabouts, illness or financial troubles may be trancended with loving support and co-visualisation. May the lows be barely noticeable and may the highs be truly highs. I know mountain peaks now that I have not known before, and your love was my guide. I trust my self-love will be the light that guides me through the valleys, but I hope your love will be there to amplify.

On this journey of self knowledge, self discovery, and awakening I can confidently hold your hand and walk towards our purple sunset regardless of whether or not I know what lies beyond the horizon.

We can do anything. We can be anything. What shall we do, what shall we be? There is no pressure to answer, perhaps we shall have a different answer every day. I offer you open ended infinite potential, to be the support or the space that you need to be the best you can be, I offer you the space or support you need to be open ended infinite potential. That is the freedom and the love that I offer you (at 4am while you sleep by my side). x


Romance… was there a generation of women who lost interest in Romance? (Or is that just a subjective experience?)

I have a series of prose called Romance is not Dead with subtitles like ‘part 2, it’s Been Kept Alive by Oversensitive Men‘ (seriously lol). I generally wrote them when I was unlucky in love, my mid twenties (although I was unluckier in my teens and that is what fuelled most of those thoughts.) I have been receiving more interest in my 30s and I have more clarity now than I did then. So I thought I would investigate that theme again, because although I have been luckier in my my 30s it does not change the reality of those bitter experiences. 


Is there a generation of women who lost interest in Romance? Was I looking in the wrong places Or in the wrong age range? Some might say it is foolish to believe in love and romance, it is foolish to believe in magic and destiny and it is foolish to value anything more than sex and money. But even if I try to ignore my spirit and chase after sex and money it crushes my soul and circumstance forces me to admit that does not make me happy, what I want is to be emotionally and creatively fulfilled and that has little to do with sex unless there is love there, not necessarily a relationship but mutual affection and respect, whether it’s an open relationship, a one night stand or a one night cuddle. It has nothing to do with money but everything to do with being creative and feeling like my vocation will make someone’s life better whether it’s art, teaching or healing. Having said all that I do like sex alot and I love the freedom that having money provides. I just have different priorities and when society or mainstream media pushes it’s shallow priorities on me I can feel crushed or worthless if I am not complying. Regardless, I can only be me.

Women older than me believe in love, women younger than me believe in love but I had my heart broken by alot of women who just wanted open relationships or no relationship at all. So when the stereotype of “men only want sex” comes up for me it really gets on my nerves. I am literally unable to listen to any advice anyone has for me unless they have half an hour to digest what I have been through, how many sacrifices I have made, and how often it’s been thrown in my face before I get gender specific social norms thrown at me or cliches. The short answer is; I have been in a Canadian immigration cell for 3 days for a ‘long distance relationship’ (she was cool, we’re still friends – I take full responsibility for not sorting out my visa, she’s a married mum now), I have been cheated on after being as close to the “perfect boyfriend” as I could imagine (I tried to forgive her for months but she still acts like I had no right to be offended or hurt but to her credit she always said she wasn’t ready for a relationship, and she was right – we’re not still friends although I tried), I have been in an open relationship with someone who wasn’t ready to have sex with me for months and then went and had a threesome in another country (we’re still friends, it hurt but the reality is I knew I was in an open relationship and there was no predicting how or when she would be ready for sex again, miraculously we’re still friends but it hurt) – and these were all different stories with different women. If I dare say so myself, I have been pretty darn forgiving.

One of my self esteem issues is that my priorities are completely different from that of most of modern western civilisation. In fact my priorities are completely different to those of western civilisation’s in general and when I have enough self belief it doesn’t matter and when I don’t have enough self belief I feel like a loser. If I were to learn from my past to avoid pain I would not care about love I would care about money, I would treat em mean to keep em keen as that seems to work for other guys and being nice seems to mean I can be disrespected and I would lie and cheat my way through life cos that seems to be profitable for other people. But I couldn’t do any of that if I tried. My priorities have always been love and honour and that usually leaves me penniless and heartbroken. But it also filters out the shallow golddiggers, most of the women who have been with me have been magical. Cos a shallow golddigger isn’t going to be attracted to penniless poet.

When I was younger that was more of an issue. I did want more sex and lamented that more women were not attracted to a genuine man who doesn’t earn much but was loyal and honest. But now I know quality is far better than quantity. It’s not sexist rant about shallow women, although years ago it might have been, most people of both genders are shallow in general. Not at their core, we’re all perfect and we all have infinite depth but most people are programmed to indulge in the desires the television has told them to have. Sad but in my experience true (but hopefully changing). Mainstream society has brainwashed the mainstream, painful as it is to accept most people do not think for themselves.

It’s funny though, I find most women I meet (not all) in their late 30s and 40s, they want someone to settle with, they value honour and honesty but they also value money. But alot of women in their mid to early 30s don’t want a relationship at all, they just want to fool around. They’re still hurting from past relationships and in denial of their emotions. Their careers won’t cheat on them, and it doesn’t matter if a one night stand or an open relationship sleeps with anyone else. Whereas women in their 20s seem to be more open to the idea of romance. Maybe they were programmed by different cultural media, Sex and the City didn’t get them but Twilight did lol But they’re also the Kardashian generation, and the Made in Chelsea generation so some of them just want to sleep with the richest guy they can. I guess there will always be shallow people of both genders and mainstream media will always try to sell them a lifestyle.

These are massive generalisations that could be seen as sexism or agism if taken out of context. Nobody is that simple really. and these observations are based on my direct experiences. I guess I meet transient people who are not looking for relationships at squat parties and festivals. Whereas of the 17 women on my Steiner-school / Waldorf-school teacher training course most are in relationships and some of them are married or engaged and they are in a broad age range from mid twenties to early 50s. This is a different ‘demographic’ they are all women who have committed to a career in child care (reception age / kindergarten age teaching) and they nearly all reassuringly believe in romance. Maybe I wasn’t looking in the wrong age range, maybe I was looking in the wrong places. I mean when I was younger I would go to pubs and clubs and not find like-minded women. Then I would go to hippy festivals and squat parties and find like-minded women who didn’t want to settle down. I’m not saying I find them on my course either – like I said most of them are taken, and I like to think I’m a nice guy, not a home wrecker – but as I get older I don’t just refine my search, I refine myself. I don’t go to shallow places to meet shallow people anymore.

I had NO luck in my teens, I used to hear “he’s too nice” or “you’re like a brother to me” not that I’m one of those guys that thinks that being nice to someone earns you a right to sex lol but it did seem like a deterrent when I was younger! This isn’t about hating being in ‘the friendzone’ either. I have friendzoned myself when I realised how crazy some of my attractive female friends were. I am not trying to pressure women into sex either, I have a sex drive but I’m too proud for that. I have slept platonically next to several women, some of them I was in relationships with, and not pushed sex on them. Conversely one ex girlfriend told me she wished I was more aggressive in the bedroom. My mum always said to me when I was younger that “young women want excitement that’s why they want bad boys but as you get older they’ll appreciate you more”, but when you’re 16, when you’re 20 – you don’t wanna hear that sh**! But to my surprise I’ve had way more interest in my 30s than I did in my 20s and in my teens. Maybe I shouldn’t question it and I should just give thanks. I give thanks, gratitude to the universe and gratitude to the Goddess!

Existence does not have to be suffering or boredom or fake all the time. Some people ‘get it’. Regardless of gender, or age, some people get it. I am inclined to believe that on a deeper level we ALL get it, that we all want love and to feel creatively and emotionally fulfilled, but maybe I’m wrong. Maybe some people just want sex and money and you know what – that’s alright, we don’t have to want the same things. Be yourself, increasingly those who ‘get it’ consciously, those who want deeper connection will find each other.


ps If you’re going to comment, please, try to be honest with yourselves first so you can be honest with me. Thank you x