I have a series of prose called Romance is not Dead with subtitles like ‘part 2, it’s Been Kept Alive by Oversensitive Men‘ (seriously lol). I generally wrote them when I was unlucky in love, my mid twenties (although I was unluckier in my teens and that is what fuelled most of those thoughts.) I have been receiving more interest in my 30s and I have more clarity now than I did then. So I thought I would investigate that theme again, because although I have been luckier in my my 30s it does not change the reality of those bitter experiences.
Is there a generation of women who lost interest in Romance? Was I looking in the wrong places Or in the wrong age range? Some might say it is foolish to believe in love and romance, it is foolish to believe in magic and destiny and it is foolish to value anything more than sex and money. But even if I try to ignore my spirit and chase after sex and money it crushes my soul and circumstance forces me to admit that does not make me happy, what I want is to be emotionally and creatively fulfilled and that has little to do with sex unless there is love there, not necessarily a relationship but mutual affection and respect, whether it’s an open relationship, a one night stand or a one night cuddle. It has nothing to do with money but everything to do with being creative and feeling like my vocation will make someone’s life better whether it’s art, teaching or healing. Having said all that I do like sex alot and I love the freedom that having money provides. I just have different priorities and when society or mainstream media pushes it’s shallow priorities on me I can feel crushed or worthless if I am not complying. Regardless, I can only be me.
Women older than me believe in love, women younger than me believe in love but I had my heart broken by alot of women who just wanted open relationships or no relationship at all. So when the stereotype of “men only want sex” comes up for me it really gets on my nerves. I am literally unable to listen to any advice anyone has for me unless they have half an hour to digest what I have been through, how many sacrifices I have made, and how often it’s been thrown in my face before I get gender specific social norms thrown at me or cliches. The short answer is; I have been in a Canadian immigration cell for 3 days for a ‘long distance relationship’ (she was cool, we’re still friends – I take full responsibility for not sorting out my visa, she’s a married mum now), I have been cheated on after being as close to the “perfect boyfriend” as I could imagine (I tried to forgive her for months but she still acts like I had no right to be offended or hurt but to her credit she always said she wasn’t ready for a relationship, and she was right – we’re not still friends although I tried), I have been in an open relationship with someone who wasn’t ready to have sex with me for months and then went and had a threesome in another country (we’re still friends, it hurt but the reality is I knew I was in an open relationship and there was no predicting how or when she would be ready for sex again, miraculously we’re still friends but it hurt) – and these were all different stories with different women. If I dare say so myself, I have been pretty darn forgiving.
One of my self esteem issues is that my priorities are completely different from that of most of modern western civilisation. In fact my priorities are completely different to those of western civilisation’s in general and when I have enough self belief it doesn’t matter and when I don’t have enough self belief I feel like a loser. If I were to learn from my past to avoid pain I would not care about love I would care about money, I would treat em mean to keep em keen as that seems to work for other guys and being nice seems to mean I can be disrespected and I would lie and cheat my way through life cos that seems to be profitable for other people. But I couldn’t do any of that if I tried. My priorities have always been love and honour and that usually leaves me penniless and heartbroken. But it also filters out the shallow golddiggers, most of the women who have been with me have been magical. Cos a shallow golddigger isn’t going to be attracted to penniless poet.
When I was younger that was more of an issue. I did want more sex and lamented that more women were not attracted to a genuine man who doesn’t earn much but was loyal and honest. But now I know quality is far better than quantity. It’s not sexist rant about shallow women, although years ago it might have been, most people of both genders are shallow in general. Not at their core, we’re all perfect and we all have infinite depth but most people are programmed to indulge in the desires the television has told them to have. Sad but in my experience true (but hopefully changing). Mainstream society has brainwashed the mainstream, painful as it is to accept most people do not think for themselves.
It’s funny though, I find most women I meet (not all) in their late 30s and 40s, they want someone to settle with, they value honour and honesty but they also value money. But alot of women in their mid to early 30s don’t want a relationship at all, they just want to fool around. They’re still hurting from past relationships and in denial of their emotions. Their careers won’t cheat on them, and it doesn’t matter if a one night stand or an open relationship sleeps with anyone else. Whereas women in their 20s seem to be more open to the idea of romance. Maybe they were programmed by different cultural media, Sex and the City didn’t get them but Twilight did lol But they’re also the Kardashian generation, and the Made in Chelsea generation so some of them just want to sleep with the richest guy they can. I guess there will always be shallow people of both genders and mainstream media will always try to sell them a lifestyle.
These are massive generalisations that could be seen as sexism or agism if taken out of context. Nobody is that simple really. and these observations are based on my direct experiences. I guess I meet transient people who are not looking for relationships at squat parties and festivals. Whereas of the 17 women on my Steiner-school / Waldorf-school teacher training course most are in relationships and some of them are married or engaged and they are in a broad age range from mid twenties to early 50s. This is a different ‘demographic’ they are all women who have committed to a career in child care (reception age / kindergarten age teaching) and they nearly all reassuringly believe in romance. Maybe I wasn’t looking in the wrong age range, maybe I was looking in the wrong places. I mean when I was younger I would go to pubs and clubs and not find like-minded women. Then I would go to hippy festivals and squat parties and find like-minded women who didn’t want to settle down. I’m not saying I find them on my course either – like I said most of them are taken, and I like to think I’m a nice guy, not a home wrecker – but as I get older I don’t just refine my search, I refine myself. I don’t go to shallow places to meet shallow people anymore.
I had NO luck in my teens, I used to hear “he’s too nice” or “you’re like a brother to me” not that I’m one of those guys that thinks that being nice to someone earns you a right to sex lol but it did seem like a deterrent when I was younger! This isn’t about hating being in ‘the friendzone’ either. I have friendzoned myself when I realised how crazy some of my attractive female friends were. I am not trying to pressure women into sex either, I have a sex drive but I’m too proud for that. I have slept platonically next to several women, some of them I was in relationships with, and not pushed sex on them. Conversely one ex girlfriend told me she wished I was more aggressive in the bedroom. My mum always said to me when I was younger that “young women want excitement that’s why they want bad boys but as you get older they’ll appreciate you more”, but when you’re 16, when you’re 20 – you don’t wanna hear that sh**! But to my surprise I’ve had way more interest in my 30s than I did in my 20s and in my teens. Maybe I shouldn’t question it and I should just give thanks. I give thanks, gratitude to the universe and gratitude to the Goddess!
Existence does not have to be suffering or boredom or fake all the time. Some people ‘get it’. Regardless of gender, or age, some people get it. I am inclined to believe that on a deeper level we ALL get it, that we all want love and to feel creatively and emotionally fulfilled, but maybe I’m wrong. Maybe some people just want sex and money and you know what – that’s alright, we don’t have to want the same things. Be yourself, increasingly those who ‘get it’ consciously, those who want deeper connection will find each other.
ps If you’re going to comment, please, try to be honest with yourselves first so you can be honest with me. Thank you x