It’s been alot of conflicting emotions recently.
Like I want to be honest but I don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings, I want money but I want free time, I want friends but I don’t feel like socialising, I want empathy for my anxiety but I don’t want to be considered pathetic, I want to stay in touch with my inner child but don’t want to be immature. And the desire to make other people happy has blurred the lines even more, sometimes I don’t even know what I want for myself.
I just want to be myself and make other people happy at the same time. And sometimes that’s not possible. This makes me sad.
I’m getting better at not living like my happiness depends on other people’s acceptance, but it still makes me sad.
This time it didn’t trigger depression and self loathing though, so this isn’t a cry for help or attention, just a desire to express myself at this rare point of actually being able to identify about what I’m feeling.
It’s been alot of conflicting emotions recently.
Anger.
This is a subject that’s sensitive to me right now.
It’s better to express than repress, but different people have to deal with their own anger and other people’s differently. Sometimes there’s a clash.
Essentially I think everyone has a right to get angry. But everyone has a right to avoid anger.
Anger is better to express than repress. But there are different ways to express it and everyone has different levels of intensity they can endure, and how frequently they can endure it.
So everyone has a right to get angry but everyone else has a right to walk away from it.
I’m over sensitive and suffer from anxiety, so I generally try to avoid conflict or resolve it peacefully. Sometimes someone just wants to fight though and don’t want to give it to them. Sometimes they want you to fight back. Sometimes they don’t respect you if you won’t. Well I respect myself when I resist the temptation to fight back.
But there’s a thin line between having empathy and forgiveness and being a doormat to get walked all over. I still don’t know where that line is. Is it before or after they nail you to a cross?
All these so called Christians ready to kill for Jesus. How many are ready to forgive?
Who Am I?
1 Who am I? Empty space. What do I stand for? Whatever feels right in this moment. Why do I do what I do? For the benefit of all, including myself.
My weaknesses are sometimes strengths, my strengths are sometimes weaknesses.
There is nothing to judge and no one more worthy of judging, this is just stuff happening, you can zoom in or zoom out and your judgement my seem more or less accurate.
What are my values? My values have all been questioned recently, what I do and why I do what I do and how I do it. From diet to profession, from politics to love. I had an ego-death of sorts when I moved back to London. I stopped trying to be “spiritual”, started drinking again, stopped smoking, tried to give up meat, wore suits again, voluntarily hung out with posh people (after 10 years of preferring the company of squatters, hippies, activists and artists, most of them not posh.) After 2 years of more change and less comfort zone I understand who am and what I stand for alot more now. What are my values? Creativity and freedom have always been important to me. It has taken me 3 years to reassess my values and programming so I can value money, not more than freedom but readjust the balance. I still value creativity and freedom more than money but I think I have finally discovered a situation that serves me creatively and financially and it will be my choice within freedom to earn money (without getting depressed.) Now I choose to reassess the balance between punctuality and freedom. I’m always late, I think part of that is deeply embedded rebellion against childhood timekeeping and lack of freedom, part of it is anxiety in that part of me never wants to leave the house at all, part of it is optimism in that I never assume there will be traffic or my bus will be late. It’s a perfect storm to look like I just don’t care. And maybe I am just too relaxed about it because if someone else is late, I really don’t care.
I am infinite potential, we all are, and I stand for whatever feels important today.
Maybe I’m Not Pressing the Keys Hard Enough. 