The sooner we can accept that we can want two contradictory things at the same time the saner and happier we’ll be. People with no morals have less cognitive dysfunction in this area because, I assume, they rarely worry about wanting things that they shouldn’t. But nice people, we’re often in denial.
Like real musicians and healers in denial of wanting money, hippies who like martial arts in denial that some part of them likes violence etc. etc. These are all things I identify with to some agree, I’m not pointing fingers.
Yes, I did put myself in the “nice person” category, I respect humility so part of me is in denial of my high opinion of myself, and everyone respects confidence so paradoxically part of me is in denial of aspects of low self esteem. Rather than having one or the other both states, humility, arrogance, low esteem and confidence all compete for supremacy depending on the moment. And yes I am aware that on some level we’re all nice people. But on another level some of you are selfish and mean cos that’s what experience has taught you to be. I don’t think many people in my friendlist are like that.
To a certain extent we are all accidental hypocrites, our subconscious mind has needs and desires that our conscious mind would rather not admit to itself let alone other people.
Sometimes I’m selfish and greedy. This is the trait I dislike in people the most and the trait I dislike in myself the most, and the trait I am most ashamed of. Apparently I’ll have less anxiety and self-esteem issues if I learn to wear my ‘shame’ until I’m no longer ashamed of it.
It’s the trait I dislike in politicians, I see it mirrored in David Cameron and the Tories in general etc. I see it in the fracking of our land and in the selling of our NHS. I dislike selfishness. I therefore sometimes over-compensate and don’t give myself the things I deserve.
I find all words are insufficient, rather that we have infinite shades of emotions and experiences but we only have a finite amount of words to describe them. I used to refer to myself as lazy then I realised I work really hard and obsessively on things that I love doing and just don’t do things I don’t love doing, so lazy was an insufficient word to describe my relationship with boring work. Give me an hour or two and I may have found better or different words to define the aspects of my self that I currently describe as selfish and greedy.
Due to the fact that I think poverty in the past was influenced by this fear of admitting it I will specify – I want more money. And sex. And sugar, I can be very greedy when it comes to sugar. Despite the fact that I know it’s probably parasites that want the sugar, and it’s very bad for me. I tried to quit sugar, I failed. And meat. Wish I could kick the meat habit again but my mum’s a phenomenal cook and I’m living with her again, but it’s not her fault, it’s not the fault of circumstance – I’m selfish.
I think in my personal story lazy was a judgment put on me that I internalised until years later I analysed it. But selfish is a judgment I put on myself, it’s what upsets me most about other people and it’s because it’s what upsets me most about myself. BUT note I said SOMETIMES I am selfish and greedy, it’s just an aspect of self I’ve been repressing.
(I still think I’m usually selfless and generous cos that’s what makes me happy. There’s an unavoidable paradox in the selfish desire to be of benefit because being of benefit makes us happy. But I usually try to be selfless and generous. But not always. I should not ignore that shadow.)
Although I am sometimes selfish and greedy I fully love and accept myself. I am everything, I am also selfless and generous, I am infinite abundance, I am love.