The Urge – Depression and Anxiety in the Face of Demonic Politics

“The urge to what, to be demonic carbon copies who work for the machine? the urge to be celebrities who hate their lives and get cosmetic surgery to be attractive until gossip mags or tabloids finally get an unflattering photo of them in tracksuits on the way to the supermarket? The urge to earn money and pay taxes to the archonic demons until the day we die? The urge to ejaculate? Which urge are we associating with these interdimensional parasites?”
Things Kev says in conversation to people that get it.

A friend read that and responded with the following questions…

“How do we defeat them? And get out own power back? And to protect ourselves? Are we multi dimensional and if so, how…”

So I responded with the following answer…

“I am a firm believer in us being multidimensional (in fact if I know anything, which I don’t, but if I knew anything I’d know everything is multidimensional including us.)
How do we defeat them? If I knew the answer to that question I’d probably either be a general in a spiritual war or a dead man! But I suspect we defeat them by achieving the most difficualt of balance – being aware of the darkness and evil they perpetuate and not getting depressed about it. When we let them dim our light they win. If we watch too many conspiracy fact documentaries and believe we have no power they win. BUT if we’re completely ignorant of their fuckry and just work and pay taxes to them without caring or knowing they win too. Finding that balance between knowing, caring and loving life anyway is the win for me I think, but it’s not one day on the winners podium, it’s a process of hurting anf healing, short moments of peace during the fuckry to prolong the longer periods of peace between the fuckry, it’s a lifetime of trying not to stay angry at tabloid newspapers and Jeremy Kyle and remembering none of the aboveare stopping you from staring at the flowers of a petal or hugging a loved one and even if they locked you up and threw away the key you still have your heart and mind and you can still meditate and love. It’s knowing your shadows, your insecurities and loving yourself anyway and it’s knowing their evil and pitying them instead of fearing them. While at the same time not giving in.
Hmmm… maybe I am a general in a spiritual war after all. Shhh… don’t tell anybody, I’m just making music and teaching kids, and nobody’s listening to me – which is probably why I’m still alive…”

 

 

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Self Love and Acceptance – LYRICS

SoundCloud link!

The past is the past we ALL have SOME darkness on THAT shelf… I FULLY LOVE AND ACCEPT MYSELF.
LIKE ON THE DANCEFLOOR YOU LOVE AND ACCEPT YOURSELF…
WE FULLY LOVE AND ACCEPT OURSELVES
Even though I may have done things I judged negatively in the past, I fully love and accept myself.
Even though I may have done things others judged in the past, I fully love and accept myself.
There is no I or separation between others and self,
Or between you and destiny of comfort, love and wealth
Even though I may have done things I judged negatively in the past, I fully love and accept myself.
We can visualize going back in time to send love to our inner child
wrapped in fine Linen, whether crying or grinning…
and giving them compassion, we’re willing
To look at my past perceived losses so we’re winning.
We visualised healing any wounds our inner child perceives
Retroactive healing for any unfulfilled needs.
Wishing on a star? Wish on yourself, that’s what you are.
Mother nature made ya perfect just the way you are.
Wishing on a star? Wish on yourself, that’s what you are.
Mother nature made ya perfect just the way you are.
The past is the past we ALL have SOME darkness on THAT shelf… I FULLY LOVE AND ACCEPT MYSELF.
LIKE ON THE DANCEFLOOR  YOU  FULLY LOVE AND ACCEPT YOURSELF
WE FULLY LOVE AND ACCEPT OURSELVES!

 

The black ooze of stress and frustration you squeeze
and stretch out your shoulders is hiding a few of these

Precious gems and crystals. And when those shoulders are less tight They allow the wings to grow out in the precious rainbow light.

You are the best you that you can be.
But hold your inner child now, cos you’re family.

My inner child crying or growling,
A babe crying or a gremlin gnawing and gnashing.

Crying about not feeling heard, listened to or understood, not a word.

I almost forgot being cool was a facade
Always fragile and sensitive, never been hard.

Am I a loser? Am I a self abuser?
Am I failure? Are we all born to fail here?

If you think you are then you are…
So know you’re not, and know you’re hot.

It’s okay to feel guilty, sad, the lot.
Admit it to yourself and you’re bullet proof but shot.

You are the best you that you can be.
But hold your inner child now, cos you’re family.

The past is the past we ALL have SOME darkness on THAT shelf… I FULLY LOVE AND ACCEPT MYSELF.
LIKE ON THE DANCEFLOOR YOU FULLY LOVE AND ACCEPT YOURSELF…
WE FULLY LOVE AND ACCEPT OURSELVES
Even though I may have done things I judged negatively in the past, I fully love and accept myself.
Even though I may have done things others judged in the past, I fully love and accept myself.

Projections, Depressions and Lessons

Screen Shot 2016-03-07 at 17.47.43

Is it a tragic comedy or comedic tragedy or dream,
is reality a holographic projector screen?
Do we see what we believe or believe what we’ve seen?
Do we all have a holographic projector screen?

If I get down, I get up and rise,
I spread my wings and fly friendly skies,
No need for front, no need for disguise,
in a superhero stance with lightning in my eyes.

_

Frustrated… with my own frustration.. .
Castrated emotions fail penetration of the issue,

we’ve all got issues, we all need tissues
standard issue, their problem’s their problem and your problem is you.

Maybe there’s no problem the illusion’s the perception,
I Iove you, I’m sorry, please forgive me for my self protection.

Only you’re responsible for your own emotions, and for mental health it’s
good to remember you’re responsible for no one else’s.

A hero complex just can’t help but want to help it’s
the excuse for the restless search for the helpless,

trying to step out the mma octagon, boxers square, sumo circle
or drama triangle, can you try and use sight from my angle?

Cos when we feel rejected it’s hard not to resent it
and even if we consciously forgive our heart’s subconsciously protected.

Protected from past pain but when you add insecurity
We instinctively protect it from false fears that we’ve projected.

I projected then I wept kid.

_

Is it a tragic comedy or comedic tragedy or dream,
is reality a holographic projector screen?
Do we see what we believe or believe what we’ve seen?
Do we all have a holographic projector screen?

If I get down, I get up and rise,
I spread my wings and fly friendly skies,
No need for front, no need for disguise,
in a superhero stance with lightning in my eyes.

Forgiveness, Healing and Empathy #forgiveness #healing #empathy #depression #anxiety

“…it’s a shame when you forgive consciously but something in your bones can’t help but try to avoid getting hurt again… ” I wrote that recently.

I wrote this three months ago – “There are times to work and times to rest, like seasons, either are fine and neither are to be judged as wrong or right – they just are.

Our existence is validatation enough, nature wanted us here now, reality itself wanted us here now, the mother nature matrix wanted us all here now, all that we do is an expression of the magic of the universe.

There are 7 billion equal people with different opinions. It avoids seeing that I am as important as any of the people I am trying to please. Constantly living life to please other people will lead to constantly feeling sad that I have let people down. If you are living life to please the right person then living life to please yourself will attract the right people into your life.”

Somehow I feel they’re linked. Perhaps forgiveness could be linked to realising we’re all trying our best based on our own experiences and avoiding different hurts from the past?

 

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Antisocial / Social Anxiety – both or neither? #depression #anxiety

For the record, between epic social events I’ve committed to – particularly one’s I am performing at and therefore committed to attending – I am generally an anti-social bastard. Do not take it personally.

There are several reasons for this, social awkwardness, social anxiety, 15 years of partying, introvert habits I picked up during two years of depression, bitterness that people stopped coming round when I cut down on smoking and stopped hosting smoking sessions, several reasons. But the main one is that I just don’t feel like going out most of the time. Especially if I’ve just expended that kind of energy hosting an event or if I’m preparing myself mentally for the energy to do that sort of thing.

It doesn’t mean I love you guys or gals any less. In fact sometimes it means I love myself less. But it doesn’t mean I’m avoiding any individuals, in fact even during my most party animal sociable years I was in the flow and the amount of time I spent with people was in no way a reflection of how much I loved them, more a reflection of how aligned our missions, projects and interests were that month or that year. So if you liked raving in Bristol from 2005 – 2012 you saw alot of me.

These days I enjoy my own company, I’d much rather stay in. watch documentaries, write and work on building the future I’ve been visualising. Some days I’ve been crippled by fear of judgment and I don’t want to leave the house.

Anyway, two of my friends took it personally recently, so I thought I’d say something public. I been on the same couch in Bristol straight chillin cos after the rave I couldn’t move cos I’m getting old, I missed a party I wanted to go to but walking was too much think about and talking to people seemed scary, especially when the honest answer to “how are you” is “I’m not even sure”.

So yeah, I don’t know if I’m anti-social or suffering social anxiety or if I’m anti-social BECAUSE I’m suffering social anxiety (and right now I’m tired) but whichever it is, it doesn’t mean I have a problem with you.

Essentially it doesn’t matter. Anti-social, social anxiety etc – these are just labels. I’m fine whether or not people take it personally. They’re fine whether or not they take it personally. They’re all different shades of being a human, and as long as we remember that these states are actually okay to be in and these states will change of their own accord the less likely we’re going to get angry or depressed about them and the sooner they’re likely to change. One of the lessons I’m learning is that anger and depression are okay too, it’s just usually advisable to express either in ways that aren’t going to cause more anger or depression.

 

unity consciousness

 

Sometimes I’m Selfish and Greedy (but I’m usually a nice guy.)

Sometimes I’m selfish and greedy. This is the trait I dislike in people the most and the trait I dislike in myself the most, and the trait I am most ashamed of. Apparently I’ll have less anxiety and self-esteem issues if I learn to wear my ‘shame’ until I’m no longer ashamed of it.

It’s the trait I dislike in politicians, I see it mirrored in David Cameron and the Tories in general etc. I see it in the fracking of our land and in the selling of our NHS. I dislike selfishness. I therefore sometimes over-compensate and don’t give myself the things I deserve.

I find all words are insufficient, rather that we have infinite shades of emotions and experiences but we only have a finite amount of words to describe them. I used to refer to myself as lazy then I realised I work really hard and obsessively on things that I love doing and just don’t do things I don’t love doing, so lazy was an insufficient word to describe my relationship with boring work. Give me an hour or two and I may have found better or different words to define the aspects of my self that I currently describe as selfish and greedy.

Due to the fact that I think poverty in the past was influenced by this fear of admitting it I will specify – I want more money. And sex. And sugar, I can be very greedy when it comes to sugar. Despite the fact that I know it’s probably parasites that want the sugar, and it’s very bad for me. I tried to quit sugar, I failed. And meat. Wish I could kick the meat habit again but my mum’s a phenomenal cook and I’m living with her again, but it’s not her fault, it’s not the fault of circumstance – I’m selfish.

I think in my personal story lazy was a judgment put on me that I internalised until years later I analysed it. But selfish is a judgment I put on myself, it’s what upsets me most about other people and it’s because it’s what upsets me most about myself. BUT note I said SOMETIMES I am selfish and greedy, it’s just an aspect of self I’ve been repressing.

(I still think I’m usually selfless and generous cos that’s what makes me happy. There’s an unavoidable paradox in the selfish desire to be of benefit because being of benefit makes us happy. But I usually try to be selfless and generous. But not always. I should not ignore that shadow.)

Edit:

Although I am sometimes selfish and greedy I fully love and accept myself. I am everything, I am also selfless and generous, I am infinite abundance, I am love.

Cry Every Day

From now I don’t quite say that I vow but I try to make

a decision to cry every day, “why would he say to cry every day”?

cos life is just made for feeling, we hide every day instead of revealing,

and when we don’t cry every day we lie every day to ourselves.

Like we’re not gonna die some day, like children don’t die every day,

like every blossom ain’t a perfect work of art but we’re shying away

from tears of joy is what I’m trying to say…

Tears of pain, tears of joy, just like Lamb – I Cry every day.

(inspired in part by this track by ‘Lamb’)