Projections, Depressions and Lessons

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Is it a tragic comedy or comedic tragedy or dream,
is reality a holographic projector screen?
Do we see what we believe or believe what we’ve seen?
Do we all have a holographic projector screen?

If I get down, I get up and rise,
I spread my wings and fly friendly skies,
No need for front, no need for disguise,
in a superhero stance with lightning in my eyes.

_

Frustrated… with my own frustration.. .
Castrated emotions fail penetration of the issue,

we’ve all got issues, we all need tissues
standard issue, their problem’s their problem and your problem is you.

Maybe there’s no problem the illusion’s the perception,
I Iove you, I’m sorry, please forgive me for my self protection.

Only you’re responsible for your own emotions, and for mental health it’s
good to remember you’re responsible for no one else’s.

A hero complex just can’t help but want to help it’s
the excuse for the restless search for the helpless,

trying to step out the mma octagon, boxers square, sumo circle
or drama triangle, can you try and use sight from my angle?

Cos when we feel rejected it’s hard not to resent it
and even if we consciously forgive our heart’s subconsciously protected.

Protected from past pain but when you add insecurity
We instinctively protect it from false fears that we’ve projected.

I projected then I wept kid.

_

Is it a tragic comedy or comedic tragedy or dream,
is reality a holographic projector screen?
Do we see what we believe or believe what we’ve seen?
Do we all have a holographic projector screen?

If I get down, I get up and rise,
I spread my wings and fly friendly skies,
No need for front, no need for disguise,
in a superhero stance with lightning in my eyes.

Forgiveness, Healing and Empathy #forgiveness #healing #empathy #depression #anxiety

“…it’s a shame when you forgive consciously but something in your bones can’t help but try to avoid getting hurt again… ” I wrote that recently.

I wrote this three months ago – “There are times to work and times to rest, like seasons, either are fine and neither are to be judged as wrong or right – they just are.

Our existence is validatation enough, nature wanted us here now, reality itself wanted us here now, the mother nature matrix wanted us all here now, all that we do is an expression of the magic of the universe.

There are 7 billion equal people with different opinions. It avoids seeing that I am as important as any of the people I am trying to please. Constantly living life to please other people will lead to constantly feeling sad that I have let people down. If you are living life to please the right person then living life to please yourself will attract the right people into your life.”

Somehow I feel they’re linked. Perhaps forgiveness could be linked to realising we’re all trying our best based on our own experiences and avoiding different hurts from the past?

 

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Antisocial / Social Anxiety – both or neither? #depression #anxiety

For the record, between epic social events I’ve committed to – particularly one’s I am performing at and therefore committed to attending – I am generally an anti-social bastard. Do not take it personally.

There are several reasons for this, social awkwardness, social anxiety, 15 years of partying, introvert habits I picked up during two years of depression, bitterness that people stopped coming round when I cut down on smoking and stopped hosting smoking sessions, several reasons. But the main one is that I just don’t feel like going out most of the time. Especially if I’ve just expended that kind of energy hosting an event or if I’m preparing myself mentally for the energy to do that sort of thing.

It doesn’t mean I love you guys or gals any less. In fact sometimes it means I love myself less. But it doesn’t mean I’m avoiding any individuals, in fact even during my most party animal sociable years I was in the flow and the amount of time I spent with people was in no way a reflection of how much I loved them, more a reflection of how aligned our missions, projects and interests were that month or that year. So if you liked raving in Bristol from 2005 – 2012 you saw alot of me.

These days I enjoy my own company, I’d much rather stay in. watch documentaries, write and work on building the future I’ve been visualising. Some days I’ve been crippled by fear of judgment and I don’t want to leave the house.

Anyway, two of my friends took it personally recently, so I thought I’d say something public. I been on the same couch in Bristol straight chillin cos after the rave I couldn’t move cos I’m getting old, I missed a party I wanted to go to but walking was too much think about and talking to people seemed scary, especially when the honest answer to “how are you” is “I’m not even sure”.

So yeah, I don’t know if I’m anti-social or suffering social anxiety or if I’m anti-social BECAUSE I’m suffering social anxiety (and right now I’m tired) but whichever it is, it doesn’t mean I have a problem with you.

Essentially it doesn’t matter. Anti-social, social anxiety etc – these are just labels. I’m fine whether or not people take it personally. They’re fine whether or not they take it personally. They’re all different shades of being a human, and as long as we remember that these states are actually okay to be in and these states will change of their own accord the less likely we’re going to get angry or depressed about them and the sooner they’re likely to change. One of the lessons I’m learning is that anger and depression are okay too, it’s just usually advisable to express either in ways that aren’t going to cause more anger or depression.

 

unity consciousness

 

Sometimes I’m Selfish and Greedy (but I’m usually a nice guy.)

Sometimes I’m selfish and greedy. This is the trait I dislike in people the most and the trait I dislike in myself the most, and the trait I am most ashamed of. Apparently I’ll have less anxiety and self-esteem issues if I learn to wear my ‘shame’ until I’m no longer ashamed of it.

It’s the trait I dislike in politicians, I see it mirrored in David Cameron and the Tories in general etc. I see it in the fracking of our land and in the selling of our NHS. I dislike selfishness. I therefore sometimes over-compensate and don’t give myself the things I deserve.

I find all words are insufficient, rather that we have infinite shades of emotions and experiences but we only have a finite amount of words to describe them. I used to refer to myself as lazy then I realised I work really hard and obsessively on things that I love doing and just don’t do things I don’t love doing, so lazy was an insufficient word to describe my relationship with boring work. Give me an hour or two and I may have found better or different words to define the aspects of my self that I currently describe as selfish and greedy.

Due to the fact that I think poverty in the past was influenced by this fear of admitting it I will specify – I want more money. And sex. And sugar, I can be very greedy when it comes to sugar. Despite the fact that I know it’s probably parasites that want the sugar, and it’s very bad for me. I tried to quit sugar, I failed. And meat. Wish I could kick the meat habit again but my mum’s a phenomenal cook and I’m living with her again, but it’s not her fault, it’s not the fault of circumstance – I’m selfish.

I think in my personal story lazy was a judgment put on me that I internalised until years later I analysed it. But selfish is a judgment I put on myself, it’s what upsets me most about other people and it’s because it’s what upsets me most about myself. BUT note I said SOMETIMES I am selfish and greedy, it’s just an aspect of self I’ve been repressing.

(I still think I’m usually selfless and generous cos that’s what makes me happy. There’s an unavoidable paradox in the selfish desire to be of benefit because being of benefit makes us happy. But I usually try to be selfless and generous. But not always. I should not ignore that shadow.)

Edit:

Although I am sometimes selfish and greedy I fully love and accept myself. I am everything, I am also selfless and generous, I am infinite abundance, I am love.

Cry Every Day

From now I don’t quite say that I vow but I try to make

a decision to cry every day, “why would he say to cry every day”?

cos life is just made for feeling, we hide every day instead of revealing,

and when we don’t cry every day we lie every day to ourselves.

Like we’re not gonna die some day, like children don’t die every day,

like every blossom ain’t a perfect work of art but we’re shying away

from tears of joy is what I’m trying to say…

Tears of pain, tears of joy, just like Lamb – I Cry every day.

(inspired in part by this track by ‘Lamb’)

Darth Vader (I have stopped sleeping)

Approaching Darth Vader mode. Just because you don’r run from your own darkside does not mean you have to indulge in it. Yoda can throw lightning too if he wants to.

People who want to be spiritual tend to deny their selfish side (which we all have) and their sexual side (which most of us have), and people who want to be successful in mainstream society tend to deny their spiritual side; but if you try to accept all sides? You generally end up misunderstood, but you have the satisfaction of knowing that you’re realer and braver than these fake motherfuckers out here. Holden Caulfield said it best in The Catcher in the Rye. I hate a phony too. And in my quest to be ‘spiritual’ I became a phony hypocrite, and therefore hated myself. Transcend the hate by loving it all, the light and the dark, the inevitable hypocrisy of being a multidimensional character with conflicting emotions. Reality.

I do not sleep anymore. If I have nothing I particularly want to wake to I see no point in putting myself to bed. I think I may need a new path and direction. My current existence doesn’t quite cut it anymore. Hmmm… maybe I’ll get an early night tonight and master playing my ocarina tomorrow. 08:08am. Might as well try sleeping again. Or watch Bob’s Burgers and start my Steiner Essay? (Should probably sleep before you start an essay Mr Panton…) Why is the subconscious voice in my head so much more responsible than regular me. Ahhh, it’s 08:09 now, too late for sleeping.

I realised, or rather remembered, tonight that I already have a project it’s called LIFE, (my friend Igor suggested even better LIVING), and I am spreading positivity every day, it’s just become such an every day thing that I don’t value it like I should. Spreading positivity every day is just how I live my life, I just need to do it more face to face and less face to facebook. Or I forget how to interact with people and the fear of judgment turns into anxiety and life starts to lose meaning. But how could life lose meaning when every single act ripples for eternity? A wise man once said – “Each moment is a chance to give from your heart” (it was a man called Green from a reggae band called Avalon Roots, they’re great.)

Give love. Be love.

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Once an MC always an MC? (Rapping my way through depression)

I have not felt like an MC for a while. Yet hand me a mic and a fat beat and I’m back there.

I have not felt the need or desire to rap. This is new to me. I have felt the need and desire to rap since I was about 11 and it never went away. I wanted to be Chuck D, I wanted to be KRS-One, I wanted to be Ice Cube (and to my shame, I wanted to be Kid n Play.) Part of the whole character of being an MC is the need to be heard. Often fuelled by ego (which, let’s be honest, in alot of rappers cases is often fuelled by cocaine), but sometimes fuelled by passion. Most of 2014 I suffered from depression. To be honest most of my adult life I suffered from depression but avoided it and replaced it by surrounding myself with people who shared my hatred of mainstream society and/or my love of herbs. I have stopped running away and started facing these things. And due to no longer feeling like I knew what I wanted to say or how I wanted to say it – I have not felt like an MC.

What is an MC? Nothing has an independent nature, we are all MCs, when you speak with confidence and authority from your heart you are an MC. Put it on a fat beat and you are an essential part of Hip-Hop culture. But I have not spoken with confidence or authority much for the past year, not since I allowed my self esteem to be slowly but systematically eroded (mainly by myself.) But I am not my self esteem, I am the awareness of my self esteem and my awareness of everything else, what I am is power-born and indestructible. I have just been identifying with the wrong part of reality.

In short, self esteem issues have made me not feel like an MC. For about a year. Yet hand me a mic and a fat beat and I’m back there. During this period of low self esteem I have performed, not just poetry and compering but rapped over live bands, DJs, Hip-Hop, Dub and Jungle. And I have always smashed it. No ego, just facts. I have been doing this for years, I have tried and tested verses for most situations and I’m well practiced at adapting. I can go to a venue in a mood, get on stage, generally vibe with the crowd through some honest and open improvisation then give em what they wanna hear the way they wanna hear it. But I have been questioning my authenticity. Maybe I’ll stick to compere and poet for a while I thought, if I don’t feel like an MC, I don’t feel like an MC. I value authenticity.

I was given a talent, not just a talent to write raps but something more specific than that. I was given a talent to take complex ideas and express them simply. The same impulse to express these ideas has made me a blog writer, a story writer and an epic facebook status writer. This talent can feel like a burden. Because I was also given a vision that few, but some can see. It feels like a duty to share this vision because I have the vision and the talent to express it. But duty is an illusion. Nothing to do. Nowhere to go.

I was never a rapper cos I felt like I had to. I was a rapper because it was fun. I am an MC because I enjoy it. I felt like I had to because it’s what my soul wanted to do. As soon as I remember it was my soul and my spirit that wanted to express itself, not a duty, I wanted those fat instrumentals. Not to express political and/or spiritual ideas to an audience to accelerate the consciousness evolution of humanity. But because it’s fun. As soon as I removed the pressure and the duty the desire came back.

Am I a rapper? Am I an MC? I wanted those labels SOOO badly. I used to want to be known, accepted and respected by those labels, those TITLES. It was an honour in my culture. Then, due o the way the mainstream only championed certain stereotypes in Hip-Hop culture the popular use of the word started to change the word rapper or MC to mean ex crack-dealer and/or pimp instead of someone who raps in much the same way popular use of the word feminist started to change it’s meaning to ‘man-hater’ instead of someone who wants equality for the sexes. Luckily, especially recently, the mainstream has been forced to accept intelligent, educated, as successful rappers again. I used to want to be accepted by the title MC or rapper. Then I wanted to be a poet. Then I wanted to be a singer. Right now I do not need a box or a label. I am open source intelligence, I am an open-ended benefit creator. I am whatever the universe require in this time, place and circumstance. Chances are, based on personal experience that sometimes the universe will need an MC here and now. And chances are, based on personal experience, that I will be nervous before I get on stage, then proceed to smash it. Then I’ll get off stage and be just as anxious as I was before.

The thing is if you get your self esteem from the label you carry, or the box you have volunteered yourself for, even if that label is rapper, or that box is ’emcee’, or singer, or poet, or bard, or hippy, or activist, eventually your time, place and circumstance will change and then you’ll find yourself surrounded by people who neither accept or respect that label and then your avoiding and replacing will no longer work. But if you get your self esteem from your mind being the same mind as mother nature herself you are always one with infinity.

Am I an MC? Maybe, but it’s been good for me not to feel like one for a while.

I am what I am. Just another node of consciousness.

(Now gimme some instrumentals.)

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Me – KP Kev the Poet

www.kpkevthepoet.bandcamp.com

Photo of Kid n Play

Kid n Play (I was 11. No shame.)

Cheesy 80s Hip-Hop, but I recommend you watch the movie ‘House Party’, at least the first one. It’s hilarious and quite possibly the first time Martin Lawrence (Bad Boys 1 and 2) was ever in a movie.

(Then watch the movie Wild-Style if you really wanna be a b-boy/b-girl Hip-Hop historian)

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Public Enemy

If you think you know Hip-Hop, you’d better get familiar.

The album ‘It Takes a Nation of Millions To Hold Us Back’ was voted the greatest Hip-Hop album of all time for several years in several magazines, from Hip-Hop magazines to Rolling Stone but with the current white-wash, cultural appropriation and mainstream media ignoring the Hip-Hop pioneers it may not be long before people forget why. Musically an album like this could not come out of a mainstream record label ever again because sampling laws have changed and it would cost too much to use the multiple samples per-track that were used in this album. Also politically the themes are too strong and controversial. But the beats go hard like viagra.

Respect the architects.