Ego, Spirituality and the Rest…

“If the voice in your head is you, who’s the one listening to it?”

Sometimes it’s your subconscious. Sometimes it’s your higher self. Sometimes it’s demons (which may or may not be part of your subconscious). Sometimes it’s angels (which may or may not be part of your subconscious.) Essentially it’s all you. I think that’s the point. If you feel pain, or joy who is the you that is aware that there is a feeling but is not the feeling itself. Stop thinking.

You are me, I am you, we are just two eyes each looking out of one universal shared mind. Inlakech is a Mayan saying, it means “I am another you”.

I think alot of us have to battle with similar feelings. Self esteem, confidence, pride, they are all separate things. Someone can act arrogantly but have low self esteem, someone can act shy but actually have loads of pride. I have low self esteem alot of the time because I have a hard time fitting into mainstream society and I don’t make alot of money but at the same time I have alot of pride in my craft, and in myself, sometimes too much. But if I let the mainstream get to me and start to believe that money makes the man I can start to hate myself for having pride, wish I could just swallow my pride and take a shit job that pays the bills etc. I dunno, I empathise with the self hatred but we all have different reasons at different times. Anyway, I should practice what I preach and just love myself before I advise everyone else to love themselves.

I try not to talk about ego now, it’s too complicated an issue and you have to define your terms. It’s hard to tell if people are talking about ego as in arrogance, “he’s got too much ego”, or the psychological definition of ego and a sense of self that’s separate from the rest of the universe. I think the buddhist idea of not being attached to the ego is meant to mean not seeing yourself as separate from the whole but cos ego has at least two interpretations alot of us in the Western World get caught up in the idea of not being too egotistical which at least in my case leads to be afraid of having too much pride and arrogance and can lead the other direction where you don’t have enough confidence or self esteem. I think confidence is a good thing, and self esteem is a good thing. There’s a thin line between all these things, ego, pride, confidence, arrogance, self esteem, humility. I think we do need the ego/confidence of a Kanye and a Brand to make it in certain areas, at least in the mainstream entertainment although the underground will always have time for reclusive geniuses like Aphex Twin or Nick Drake. Basically I could spend the rest of the day writing about it, I actually think about it alot, but at the end of the day I will not have come to a conclusion. I appreciate the inspiration though, I’ll probably edit my comments and turn them into a blog post or something. I don’t think that a fake it til you make it approach will result in a fake outcome. I was very confident for a while when I was happily squatting and outside mainstream society. But as I got older, started filling out forms for HMRC again and trying to make money again my hatred of it, my hatred of myself for compromising and my hatred of myself for not being very good at filling out forms on time or being surrounded by ‘straight’ ie normal people meant that confidence quickly disappeared (having an unsupportive girlfriend at the time didn’t help either.) But when I was confident it wasn’t fake, but I was just avoiding, and replacing the situations that challenged me. They say life begins outside your comfort zone. Yeah, maybe that’s true to a certain extent, but I really like my comfort zones and it’s not easy when what most people call ‘normality’ is way outside my comfort zone.

I was fully on the spiritual positive affirmation vibe so everyone would have seen the best of me even at my worst. But that has a downside cos when you’re obsessed with positive affitmations nobody knows when you need help. Plus alot of when you saw me I was confident cos I was happy on the edge of society. But now squatting aint so easy and I want more security I’m back in ‘society’ and all my childhood traumas and insecurities have come back to the surface.

Anyway, love yourself 😉 including your shadow. It wasn’t enough to love myself when I was rebelling. I have to love myself when I compromise. I have to love myself when I get knocked down. I have to love myself when I feel weak and insecure. Because I am open intelligence, I am perfect whatever I feel like or look like, I am mother nature herself. Love yourself and I will do the same.

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