On The Nature Of Anger #anger #anxiety #depression

About anger – I would like to crowdsource ideas on the nature of anger, the merits of anger and the dangers of anger (both the dangers of the expression of anger and the repression of anger) etc.

There is a cultural context and a personal context (and I want to write while I’m feeling brave enough to not to feel ashamed and feeling clear enough to express with clarity.)

The personal context is that I have avoided my own anger and other people’s, avoided my family when there was conflict, avoided jobs with people who were likely to make me angry or upset (ie most ‘mainstream’ environments), in short I have repressed anger and chronically avoided conflict. There are pluses and minuses to this because, to be fair I am highly sensitive and prone to depression so it is sometimes wise to avoid conflict.

The cultural context overlaps the personal context. In the spiritual / new age / hippy / conscious community there is, in my opinion, an unhealthy tendency to ignore the shadows and focus solely on the light. I like to say that it’s healthiest to shine a light on the shadows and watch them disappear, by ignoring them the things we repress just seem to grow bigger and have a power they don’t really have. The spiritual archetypes are Jesus and Buddha, who are known for being chilled out and forgiving, although Jesus did throw a divine wobbly when he found the money-lenders doing business in a temple and chucked their table over (there may even have been some whipping, I can’t remember Bible study that well anymore to be honest.) It’s not ‘cool’ in the spiritual community to lose your temper with anything other than government in general. I guess even the biggest hippy would accept defending your loved ones as righteous anger. To what extent is it healthy to angrily defend your pride?

It overlaps my personal context because I think I unwittingly repressed aspects of my personality in order to be accepted (it pains me to say that I did anything to be accepted, I like to rebel against even the most rebellious of tribes / subcultures / groups.) It is more complex than that though, I honestly believed that even if I was angry there would always be a healthier way of expressing that anger and that there would always be a mutually beneficial way of getting out of the situation. I felt like there should always be a peaceful way to resolve a situation. But now as much as there are potentially infinite ways to resolve a situation there are also potentially infinite situations to resolve and some of them may be most beneficial to resolve with quick, decisive wrath.

Is anger always a bad thing?

 

darth-vader

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Projections, Depressions and Lessons

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Is it a tragic comedy or comedic tragedy or dream,
is reality a holographic projector screen?
Do we see what we believe or believe what we’ve seen?
Do we all have a holographic projector screen?

If I get down, I get up and rise,
I spread my wings and fly friendly skies,
No need for front, no need for disguise,
in a superhero stance with lightning in my eyes.

_

Frustrated… with my own frustration.. .
Castrated emotions fail penetration of the issue,

we’ve all got issues, we all need tissues
standard issue, their problem’s their problem and your problem is you.

Maybe there’s no problem the illusion’s the perception,
I Iove you, I’m sorry, please forgive me for my self protection.

Only you’re responsible for your own emotions, and for mental health it’s
good to remember you’re responsible for no one else’s.

A hero complex just can’t help but want to help it’s
the excuse for the restless search for the helpless,

trying to step out the mma octagon, boxers square, sumo circle
or drama triangle, can you try and use sight from my angle?

Cos when we feel rejected it’s hard not to resent it
and even if we consciously forgive our heart’s subconsciously protected.

Protected from past pain but when you add insecurity
We instinctively protect it from false fears that we’ve projected.

I projected then I wept kid.

_

Is it a tragic comedy or comedic tragedy or dream,
is reality a holographic projector screen?
Do we see what we believe or believe what we’ve seen?
Do we all have a holographic projector screen?

If I get down, I get up and rise,
I spread my wings and fly friendly skies,
No need for front, no need for disguise,
in a superhero stance with lightning in my eyes.

Antisocial / Social Anxiety – both or neither? #depression #anxiety

For the record, between epic social events I’ve committed to – particularly one’s I am performing at and therefore committed to attending – I am generally an anti-social bastard. Do not take it personally.

There are several reasons for this, social awkwardness, social anxiety, 15 years of partying, introvert habits I picked up during two years of depression, bitterness that people stopped coming round when I cut down on smoking and stopped hosting smoking sessions, several reasons. But the main one is that I just don’t feel like going out most of the time. Especially if I’ve just expended that kind of energy hosting an event or if I’m preparing myself mentally for the energy to do that sort of thing.

It doesn’t mean I love you guys or gals any less. In fact sometimes it means I love myself less. But it doesn’t mean I’m avoiding any individuals, in fact even during my most party animal sociable years I was in the flow and the amount of time I spent with people was in no way a reflection of how much I loved them, more a reflection of how aligned our missions, projects and interests were that month or that year. So if you liked raving in Bristol from 2005 – 2012 you saw alot of me.

These days I enjoy my own company, I’d much rather stay in. watch documentaries, write and work on building the future I’ve been visualising. Some days I’ve been crippled by fear of judgment and I don’t want to leave the house.

Anyway, two of my friends took it personally recently, so I thought I’d say something public. I been on the same couch in Bristol straight chillin cos after the rave I couldn’t move cos I’m getting old, I missed a party I wanted to go to but walking was too much think about and talking to people seemed scary, especially when the honest answer to “how are you” is “I’m not even sure”.

So yeah, I don’t know if I’m anti-social or suffering social anxiety or if I’m anti-social BECAUSE I’m suffering social anxiety (and right now I’m tired) but whichever it is, it doesn’t mean I have a problem with you.

Essentially it doesn’t matter. Anti-social, social anxiety etc – these are just labels. I’m fine whether or not people take it personally. They’re fine whether or not they take it personally. They’re all different shades of being a human, and as long as we remember that these states are actually okay to be in and these states will change of their own accord the less likely we’re going to get angry or depressed about them and the sooner they’re likely to change. One of the lessons I’m learning is that anger and depression are okay too, it’s just usually advisable to express either in ways that aren’t going to cause more anger or depression.

 

unity consciousness

 

Pride and Prejudice and UK Hip-Hop – Chester P, Daniel Waples and Lyrically Challenged

Not sure where I currently stand on boasting / self promotion.But as I have started to tell you all when I’m depressed or anxious I shouldn’t fail to share when I’m proud and pleased with myself.

February 20th I shall be supporting one of my favourite rappers ever – Chester P of Taskforce – at one of my favourite Hip-Hop nights ever – Lyrically Challenged – with one of the most famous hand-pan / hang drum players in the world – Daniel Waples – Hang in Balance. S’alright.That’s without the added synchros – the first open mic I ever did in 1996 was hosted by Chester P and Farma G of Taskforce at the Powerhouse in Finsbury Park. The first time I went to Lyrically Challenged was it’s 5th birthday party and my gig is on it’s 6th. I only got the gig cos Daniel met one of the organisers – MC Angel – in India and I knew her already (cos I was so impressed with the 5th birthday party I wrote a gig review for a website and interviewed her.)Still not sure where I stand on self promotion / boasting. I used to be pro-humility, but humility is just the shadow of ego – who are you being humble for? It also meant I under-sold myself. It’s useful to be confident, to know your strengths, gifts and talents and it’s also useful to exalt and celebrate them, cos gratitude gives you more to be grateful for and how will other people benefit from your gifts if you don’t advertise them?

STILL not sure where I stand but… You should probably check out my music. People say it’s really, really good. X

 

More 0pen with Less Judgment

This… this has been brewing…

There, but for a lack of education in the nature of the mind, go I. We are not taught to love ourselves, in fact we are assaulted every day by advertising that preys on our insecurities. We are not even taught how to breathe properly (unless you have a yoga teacher or chi gung teacher in infancy). We are not taught how to love each other, indeed I suspect that the so-called elite are taught from a young age to have contempt for what they consider to be the lower classes (in fact we’re taught to perceive class and then taught to hate and compete with other classes rather being taught to see individuals with no defined separation). And I cannot expect everyone to be inclined to think outside the box for fear of being ostracised. So how can I blame anyone for anything?

I started 2015 with a very neutral viewpoint. After focussing on creativity and being motivated by politics for many years – pro-peace and pro-sustainable (read anti-war and anti-capitalist if you’re still running those operating systems.) This severely limited the jobs I would work in, the ways I would live and even the people I would hang out with. Certain political points of view would anger me, and I couldn’t work with people who would anger me. Then 2014 depression came and by 2015 I was numb, almost as a subconscious act of self preservation I became numb in the awareness of the alternative I can experience as extreme empathy, it hurts. I no longer had well defined political opinions or a moral stance, every question on the subject was met with – “it’s complicated”, or “I don’t wanna talk about it”. I didn’t want to be restricted anymore, but I wasn’t sure where I was willing to compromise, where I might feel I was selling out and where I might feel I was merely growing up.

I’m still not entirely sure. I am more open now. But some lines are being re-drawn (just in pencil instead of pen this time).

Somewhere mid-2015 I became less numb. Refugees. War. Racism created by fear promoted by a sensationalist media. What I perceived to be avoidable refugees running from avoidable wars for resources we shouldn’t even be using anymore because oil is unsustainable and there are lots of sustainable solutions that would cost the oil companies a fraction of their profits to implement. Why does this not happen? Because those are fractions of billions, and a corporation’s only responsibility is to make profit for the shareholders.

So… People are dying every day due to our tax money funding unnecessary wars. At one point in my life I was so emotionally and ideologically opposed to being any part of that I dropped out of society – no rent, no council tax, no bills, no JSA, no address – nada. Those lines got rubbed out and re-drawn a few times since then. I still think it’s a valid stance, but it’s not one that serves me now, not when I can see how much good I can do with money and a stable home. (And quite frankly I was sick of being cold and feeling unappreciated.)

So I had a few powerful conversations in 2015 that helped me see a new goal. Kanada of Embercombe in particular reignited a fire in me that I had allowed to dim. When I attended a talk she did as part of the talk she recited a Hopi prophecy I had heard many times before – it had inspired alot of my closest friends – but the passion and the context and the synchronicity of it in that moment made me cry and made me care again. Numbness be gone. I was strong enough for empathy again. It made me celebrate the tribe I had found when I “let go of the sides” in the rapid flow of change. It made me grateful that I had gone an unconventional route and that I had prioritised my principles, that I knew where to find spring water, that I was living where I was living at least for now, harnessing the right relationships, that I was doing things that fulfilled me creatively as they would later fulfill me financially. Some of those principles had fallen a a little by the way-side but it was enough to make me feel, yeah, I’m proud of who I am, what I do and why I do it. But if I didn’t allow mainstream society to fill me with doubt, if I didn’t allow anxiety to hold me back I could do so much more. I have big ideas. It made me cry. Tears of guilt and tears of pride, conflicting powerful emotions.

I have recently had a conversation over New Years Eve that re-clarified my political perceptions. I don’t have political ‘beliefs’ anymore, I have perceptions. Beliefs appear fixed, perceptions imply that your view is just one angle that is subject to change. I can’t blame the politicians or corporations if they have been taught since childhood by everything around them that profit is the most important thing. I will be the change, I will continue to show people that other things, intangible things; like emotions, love, respect, legendary status, hugs and good memories are important too. But I will make more profit than I did in the past so those people who only respect money will respect my opinion. And so I have the freedom and power to make positive changes in my life and others.

So… 2016. I’m gonna be more open. I’m not going to be afraid of socialising with people richer than me. They’ll finance my ingenious ideas. That’s right, I said it. I’m not gonna worry about my old activist friends judging me for wearing a suit. I look damn good in a suit. I’m not gonna be afraid of asking to get paid for what I do. I’ve done gigs for free when I had no money and lived in a warehouse with no central heating. I have nothing to prove to anybody. And if I’m ver afraid, or if I ever worry I’m not gonna judge myself for worrying. Social awkwardness happens to all of us, and bravery is not lack of fear it’s acting despite it. I’ll try to be brave.

More open, less judgment.

I will try not to judge and I will try not to blame because most of us lack an education in the nature of the mind and in the nature of reality. But I will merely try to be the change I want to see.

I AM the change I want to see. And we are the one’s we’ve been waiting for. Why would it be anyone else?

{I will also try to write things like this during the day instead of 5 in the morning so I can sleep at night and walk my talk during the day!}

 

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{I will also try to write things like this during the day instead of 5 in the morning so I can sleep at night and walk my talk in the day!}

 

Sometimes I’m Selfish and Greedy (but I’m usually a nice guy.)

Sometimes I’m selfish and greedy. This is the trait I dislike in people the most and the trait I dislike in myself the most, and the trait I am most ashamed of. Apparently I’ll have less anxiety and self-esteem issues if I learn to wear my ‘shame’ until I’m no longer ashamed of it.

It’s the trait I dislike in politicians, I see it mirrored in David Cameron and the Tories in general etc. I see it in the fracking of our land and in the selling of our NHS. I dislike selfishness. I therefore sometimes over-compensate and don’t give myself the things I deserve.

I find all words are insufficient, rather that we have infinite shades of emotions and experiences but we only have a finite amount of words to describe them. I used to refer to myself as lazy then I realised I work really hard and obsessively on things that I love doing and just don’t do things I don’t love doing, so lazy was an insufficient word to describe my relationship with boring work. Give me an hour or two and I may have found better or different words to define the aspects of my self that I currently describe as selfish and greedy.

Due to the fact that I think poverty in the past was influenced by this fear of admitting it I will specify – I want more money. And sex. And sugar, I can be very greedy when it comes to sugar. Despite the fact that I know it’s probably parasites that want the sugar, and it’s very bad for me. I tried to quit sugar, I failed. And meat. Wish I could kick the meat habit again but my mum’s a phenomenal cook and I’m living with her again, but it’s not her fault, it’s not the fault of circumstance – I’m selfish.

I think in my personal story lazy was a judgment put on me that I internalised until years later I analysed it. But selfish is a judgment I put on myself, it’s what upsets me most about other people and it’s because it’s what upsets me most about myself. BUT note I said SOMETIMES I am selfish and greedy, it’s just an aspect of self I’ve been repressing.

(I still think I’m usually selfless and generous cos that’s what makes me happy. There’s an unavoidable paradox in the selfish desire to be of benefit because being of benefit makes us happy. But I usually try to be selfless and generous. But not always. I should not ignore that shadow.)

Edit:

Although I am sometimes selfish and greedy I fully love and accept myself. I am everything, I am also selfless and generous, I am infinite abundance, I am love.

Cry Every Day

From now I don’t quite say that I vow but I try to make

a decision to cry every day, “why would he say to cry every day”?

cos life is just made for feeling, we hide every day instead of revealing,

and when we don’t cry every day we lie every day to ourselves.

Like we’re not gonna die some day, like children don’t die every day,

like every blossom ain’t a perfect work of art but we’re shying away

from tears of joy is what I’m trying to say…

Tears of pain, tears of joy, just like Lamb – I Cry every day.

(inspired in part by this track by ‘Lamb’)