Ego, Spirituality and the Rest…

“If the voice in your head is you, who’s the one listening to it?”

Sometimes it’s your subconscious. Sometimes it’s your higher self. Sometimes it’s demons (which may or may not be part of your subconscious). Sometimes it’s angels (which may or may not be part of your subconscious.) Essentially it’s all you. I think that’s the point. If you feel pain, or joy who is the you that is aware that there is a feeling but is not the feeling itself. Stop thinking.

You are me, I am you, we are just two eyes each looking out of one universal shared mind. Inlakech is a Mayan saying, it means “I am another you”.

I think alot of us have to battle with similar feelings. Self esteem, confidence, pride, they are all separate things. Someone can act arrogantly but have low self esteem, someone can act shy but actually have loads of pride. I have low self esteem alot of the time because I have a hard time fitting into mainstream society and I don’t make alot of money but at the same time I have alot of pride in my craft, and in myself, sometimes too much. But if I let the mainstream get to me and start to believe that money makes the man I can start to hate myself for having pride, wish I could just swallow my pride and take a shit job that pays the bills etc. I dunno, I empathise with the self hatred but we all have different reasons at different times. Anyway, I should practice what I preach and just love myself before I advise everyone else to love themselves.

I try not to talk about ego now, it’s too complicated an issue and you have to define your terms. It’s hard to tell if people are talking about ego as in arrogance, “he’s got too much ego”, or the psychological definition of ego and a sense of self that’s separate from the rest of the universe. I think the buddhist idea of not being attached to the ego is meant to mean not seeing yourself as separate from the whole but cos ego has at least two interpretations alot of us in the Western World get caught up in the idea of not being too egotistical which at least in my case leads to be afraid of having too much pride and arrogance and can lead the other direction where you don’t have enough confidence or self esteem. I think confidence is a good thing, and self esteem is a good thing. There’s a thin line between all these things, ego, pride, confidence, arrogance, self esteem, humility. I think we do need the ego/confidence of a Kanye and a Brand to make it in certain areas, at least in the mainstream entertainment although the underground will always have time for reclusive geniuses like Aphex Twin or Nick Drake. Basically I could spend the rest of the day writing about it, I actually think about it alot, but at the end of the day I will not have come to a conclusion. I appreciate the inspiration though, I’ll probably edit my comments and turn them into a blog post or something. I don’t think that a fake it til you make it approach will result in a fake outcome. I was very confident for a while when I was happily squatting and outside mainstream society. But as I got older, started filling out forms for HMRC again and trying to make money again my hatred of it, my hatred of myself for compromising and my hatred of myself for not being very good at filling out forms on time or being surrounded by ‘straight’ ie normal people meant that confidence quickly disappeared (having an unsupportive girlfriend at the time didn’t help either.) But when I was confident it wasn’t fake, but I was just avoiding, and replacing the situations that challenged me. They say life begins outside your comfort zone. Yeah, maybe that’s true to a certain extent, but I really like my comfort zones and it’s not easy when what most people call ‘normality’ is way outside my comfort zone.

I was fully on the spiritual positive affirmation vibe so everyone would have seen the best of me even at my worst. But that has a downside cos when you’re obsessed with positive affitmations nobody knows when you need help. Plus alot of when you saw me I was confident cos I was happy on the edge of society. But now squatting aint so easy and I want more security I’m back in ‘society’ and all my childhood traumas and insecurities have come back to the surface.

Anyway, love yourself 😉 including your shadow. It wasn’t enough to love myself when I was rebelling. I have to love myself when I compromise. I have to love myself when I get knocked down. I have to love myself when I feel weak and insecure. Because I am open intelligence, I am perfect whatever I feel like or look like, I am mother nature herself. Love yourself and I will do the same.

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kevin panton, “kevin panton”, “kevin”, “panton”, “kev panton”, “kevin panton”


Run the Jewels – extract from El-Ps poetic verse from ‘Christmas F-kin Miracle’

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Extract from verse 1 By El-P..
“… Placed where the steel and cement became nature…
Wanna live for the thrill? They’ll arrange it
Got a bevy of imps to spit hatred
S#! t’ll get in your head and cause panic
Have you desperately begging to get famous
Get your dignity dirty and left orphaned
Sanity on the fringe of distorted
Who are they to just take shi! and hoard it?
Who am I that I don’t get my portion?
The most impressionable minds get molested and informed by manipulating forces
Don’t fret little man, don’t cry, they can never take the energy inside you were born with
Knowing that, understand you could never be poor
You already won the war, you were born rich
You can only take the energy you had
Going back to the realm or the home where your lord is
Whoever whatever that lord is couldn’t give a f if you ever made fortunes,
F anyone ever trying to run that bum shi!
Send ’em to the flames where the orcs live
Them and the lost minds thinking they’re smarter than us
Don’t understand love’s importance
And we can weaponize that, bring ’em back to the truth
Where the ashes and dust got formed in.” El-P of Run the Jewels, from the song ‘A Christmas F*kin Miracle’.

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Work in Progess (a rap/poem about anxiety and hypocrisy [and dealing with it]) #anxiety

Work in progress (that wants to find it’s feet in public for some reason…)


Someone tell Kendrick it’s okay to be a hypocrite cos we’re infinite /
multi dimensional beings, of course some feelings conflict,
Whether or not you notice and admit it it’s all for the benefit, there’s no escaping…
Might as well love yourself… no point in hating…
Someone tell Kanye it’s okay to be a hypocrite cos we’re infinite /
multi dimensional beings, of course some desires’ll conflict,
It may be honourable to admit it but it’s all for benefit, there’s no escaping…
Might as well love yourself… no point in hating.

Verse: (1?)

The desire to have or get more money, the desire to get or have less fear.
Less fear of failure, less fear of judgment, let’s share more good times like “why da f- should we care?”
Never sold crack or been shot… so it’s not all the same.
But if there’s a God she’s the same seamstress tailor fitting our pain.
How’ve you been? How’ve I been? Good and bad I guess… /
almost too much is what I’m feeling, but if I have the capacity I guess it has to be natural see? /
I guess… social anxiety is what I see even when I seem to be winning, maybe especially when I’m winning
when I could have been smugly grinning, but anxiety is actually fine to see.


Someone tell Kendrick it’s okay to be a hypocrite cos we’re infinite /
multi dimensional beings, of course some feelings conflict,
Whether or not you notice and admit it it’s all for the benefit, there’s no escaping…
Might as well love yourself… no point in hating…

Someone tell Kanye it’s okay to be a hypocrite cos we’re infinite /
multi dimensional beings, of course some desires’ll conflict,
It may be honourable to admit it but it’s all for benefit, there’s no escaping…
Might as well love yourself… no point in hating.

(Song, rap or poem? What part is the verse, what part is the chorus? Does it need more? Stop thinking Kev, it’s not that serious lol) x

Channelled (?) for an Eclipse – Super-moon spring equinox eclipse!

Can I take this opportunity to ask all of my ‘awake at a time of planetary alignment’ folks (I’m sure most of you know it’s a supermoon, and an eclipse this morning with Equinox today or tomorrow depending on which celestial event you measure from) so let’s please take this opportunity to visualise, to seek a state of relaxation and content with a paradoxical energy and dynamic for beneficial change. Let’s visualise healing and abundance for the planet, each other (I love you guys n gals), and ourselves. Personally for the planet I’d like to see sanity enter politics and the greater good become the goal over financial profit, specifically more money spent on sustainable energy and feeding and housing people and less spent on war (it sounds so obvious.) For each other I’d like to see harmony and abundance in our social lives, financial lives, family lives and romantic lives. And I would like the same for myself. 🙂 ps I have not forgotten the often shared dream of living in community surrounded by nature (trees) and lovely people. Its just a story but if we incarnated here and now for a reason, what would it be? From a space where you are relaxed and open to anything – ask yourself honestly, what would have to happen for my greatest dreams to come true? Perhaps that is the answer… To be relaxed and open to anything…

xxx xxxxx xxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxx

The Poem

Happy super-moon spring equinox eclipse

on this fine over-cast morning. Get grips.

Don’t let the grey skies fool you, not fooled by the grey sky.

That’s just England for you,  the vibes are still high.

The collective unconsciousness waves we ride,

Solutions for the benefit we visualise.

Surrounded by comfort, and nature, secure with our Tribe

With prosperity, harmony and that one love vibe.

With our bodies relaxed, our minds open to all

And our hearts knowing all we need to when we fall.

Getting up, chin up, spine straight, standing tall.

I mean wow, we exist somehow. Might as well give our all.

Dame Dash + the Breakfast Club when good advice sounds like an insult and confidence sounds like arrogance you gotta read between the lines… #damedash #thebreakfastclub

Dame Dash

…when good advice sounds like an insult and confidence sounds like arrogance you gotta read between the lines…

Dame Dash was the promoter and entrepreneur who helped finance and manage Jay-Z in his early days.

Dame was on the Breakfast Show recently to promote his new ventures, mainly the movie he has released starring Murda Mook. Now I’m gonna do Dame a favour and do the promoting he possibly should have done before getting lost in the gossip. The two factors that would have sold the film to me if I didn’t already know were the facts that Murda Mook is a pretty much unbeaten battle rapper in the professional battle rap scene. He is an authentic lyrical warrior respected as a battle rapping beast. Also the LOX, who were sparring partners with Biggie and have always kept it real, feature in the film also.

Dame drops lots of jewels of good advice in this interview but he also says some insulting things particularly to DJ Envy which might make no sense to most people. This is my synopsis; I think he simply took the fact that DJ Envy insisted on asking questions about Jay-Z personally, even though Envy already knew the answers and this had nothing to do with his current ventures. He then proceeds to clown Envy (and by extension basically everyone else on planet earth who is not a CEO) for not being his own boss. Now, it’s actually great advice to be your own boss, to own the radio station or whatever format your things are coming out on, to create your own version of Netflix as Dame has to release his own movie. But to say anyone who isn’t their own boss is not a ‘real man’ is insulting and unfair.

If Dame didn’t sound like such an arrogant ass people might actually listen to his advice, which is actually really good advice. Unfortunately it doesn’t apply to everyone because not everyone has something they can invest in to become their own boss or someone to invest in them to become their own boss – crack ironically provides an amoral and dangerous investment in inner city areas and I suspect Dame hasn’t got a boss cos he had crack money as an investment, some of us value our fellow man and our freedom too much for the crack game. All that emotion just cos Envy asked him one little question about Jay-Z. He says Spike Lee wouldn’t work with him cos he was too arrogant, I was Spike Lee I wouldn’t work with him either, he’s too arrogant! But don’t get it twisted, he STILL has lots of good advice and more honour than Jay-Z who is a straight snake. (Yes, Jay-Z is a great rapper, but among his many crimes include taking Jadakiss of R Kelly’s Fiesta remix among other snake-moves in the industry to box out his competitors. I like to support the under-dogs, not the boss who acts like ‘the man’.) Anyway, I’ve probably lost a couple of Jay-Z Stans now, good. Check the interview below.

The Guardian (and seemingly most of the country) got the Bristol riots all wrong…

hmm… I just read a Guardian article about the gentrification of Stokescroft in Bristol and they referenced the Stokescroft riots a few years ago, but they got it all wrong. Unfortunately they’re still saying “when a protest against Tesco turned into a riot” which is entirely innaccurate. From what I can tell it was when a squat eviction prompted by A foolish and unrealistic threat to Tesco’s by one of the squats residents led to ten or 20 more police vans than necessary clogging up Stokescroft road and Gloucester Road and several police bullying random people on their way home from bars (who had nothing to do with any of it) and quite clearly riling the merely curious crowd up into a “we hate cops now and we’re drunk” riot-frenzy and the Welsh riot police who were inexplicably on call for the riot nobdoy should have been expecting to happen suddenly appear and start the fight one can only assume that they wanted. Then, once they ran off, the opportunists in the community thought either “I hate Tescos” or “I want free groceries” or both and smashed Tescos and grabbed what they wanted. That, to the best of my knowledge is exactly what happened.

To the best of my knowledge, in other words, merely a point of view, data, story, etc. Yeah, I was at a mates house on Gloucester Road at the time, I had mates in the aforementioned squat, and I tried to calm everybody down with bottles flying over my head at the cops. My account is basically what I remember. I am an eye-witness.

Oh yeah, the rest of the article, gentrification has it’s ups and downs, pluses and minuses etc etc. Blah blah blah. Maybe more on that later, or maybe I’ll shut up and make some more music.

I wrote a more detailed article about the riots at the time, referencing interviews and articles but all this information is out there still. Most police are decent guys who want to help, but the few who want to bully, they can kill people and start riots. For more on that see my previous post entitled ‘Dead Man’s Trigger’…

here –>

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Dead Man’s Trigger (Brown Paper Envelope)

This is my brown paper envelope. (Paronoid? Yes.)

If I ever die before my time (especially if it’s in a police cell) please share the wikipedia page for “David Kelly (weapons expert)” throughout the month of June (and please share my soundcloud and bandcamp pages on my birthday.)

David Christopher KellyCMG (14 May 1944 – 17 July 2003) was a British scientist and authority on biological warfare.

It is my firm belief that David Kelly should be a hero and I also believe his sacrifice was covered up and the media are complicit in this for ignoring the clearly suspicious circumstances and treating us all like we’re stupid (but many of you clearly were. Judgmental? Yes, sometimes I am disgusted by humans, by the selfish greed of the ruling classes and the gullibility of those who let them rule and my own cowardice for waiting for the rest of you to work out what’s happening so I don’t have to do this revolution thing on my own.)

David Kelly was born in May and died in July so June seems like a good month to remind people who he was and what he was going to do had he lived {quite possibly would have saved hundreds of thousands of lives, no exaggeration}.

If I ever commit suicide, I promise you, it will never be in a police cell. I wouldn’t want them to get credit. I’ve been low, I’ve been depressed and I’ve been anxious, there were times in my twenties before I truly discovered my calling as a poet let alone my later calling as an educator, that I was actually suicidal. But I was too stubborn, too curious about the future and too scared to do it. Now I am just as stubborn but even more curious about the future and now I know my strengths, gifts and talents it would seem unjust to deny myself the infinite possibility that is the future or deny the future  the infinite possibility that is me. So I am unlikely to ever commit suicide in the future, so that, if I’ve not made it clear, would be a suspicious circumstance.

For the record I think most policemen are alright, they took the job to help their community and genuinely want to be heroes. But the few who took the job because they wanted to get into fights and be bullies, they are extremely dangerous.

All due respect to David Kelly and his family.