I spend my entire life making sacrifices for people who will never know, or never care, saving trees in other countries, turning down sex if it doesn’t feel right, turning down jobs if it doesn’t feel right, even turning down benefits if it doesn’t feel right. But nobody ever remembers the times you said no, they’re all waiting for to tell you off for the time you said yes. I’m a footstep away from being the bad guy but all I ever wanted to be was the hero. So it hurts when the people you think understand you misjudge you. But nobody understands me, I’m a fucking weirdo for caring and telling the truth. I don’t even know why I care so much, I think I need to stop talking, I’m being irrational. I was saving trees in Tasmania. Spent 3 months in the rainforest. My first week there I was called a nigger by a white person to my face for the first time in my life by a guy who also threatened to rape me in the woods. In the first month one of the protestors died, seemed like a suicide, and I partly blamed myself cos I had caught him being violent with his girlfriend. I wondered how many of his friends blamed me (I haven’t really spoken to anyone about that.) A couple of months later a friend of mine was molested by a cop while he was tied to a tree. By the 3rd month I was spending more time in the nearby town of Hobart making Hip-Hop than in the woods. I was scared of some of the protestors who were friends of the guy who died, I was scared of the cops, and I was scared of the loggers. I was a target, I was black, English and an environmentalist greeny. Seemed more useful for the black, English, greeny to make positive music by month 3 than be shitting himself in the woods. Giant trees though man, I don’t regret a thing. The day I got back from Tasmania my mum spent about 2 minutes congratulating me and about 2 hours telling me that people will think that the gap in my CV was prison time. 2 hours making me feel like an idiot for caring. Fucking thankless life. I didn’t do it for thanks though, I did it for trees, I did it for honour and I did it for myself. What the fuck happened to honour? Fucking nice guys. Most girls don’t even pretend to want a sensitive nice guy anymore. “He’s too nice”. You know what that means? She’s not ready to settle down, she wants to fuck around and if you’re too nice she can’t justify it. If she says you’re too nice, she’s right, she doesn’t deserve you. You watch TV and you’re programmed to think men will have sex with anything with a pretty face. Wrong. Some guys will but some guys are fucking morons. Shallow men want shallow women and shallow women want shallow men, there’s no room for sexism here. But this is not a one dimensional game. Nice guys like sex too. Nice girls like sex too. But just because a guy has sex with more than one person in a week, or flirts with more than one person in a day, does not make him a player or a man-whore. Just because a girl has sex with more than one person in a week, or flirts with more than one person in a day does not make her a slut. The issue is when you lie about it. I would rather be honest. But if honesty is gonna tarnish my reputation, a reputation I’ve turned down plenty of sex for I might add, it’s like can I at least get some props from the nice guys? Can I at least get a ‘thanks for being honest’ from ladies? No, I wait 3 years for someone for them to go to another country and have a threesome with another couple. Or I make massive sacrifices and emotional risks to be immediately repaid by being cheated on. So excuse me if I fuck around a little. I probably won’t, cos I’m over-sensitive and get emotional, but excuse me if I try. Will a week of flirtation erase a lifetime of semi-celibate good behaviour? It will if you don’t give them your resume. Fucking thankless life. I didn’t do it for props or thanks though, I did it for the sake of honesty, I did it for honour and I did it for myself. Oh, and for orgasms, orgasms are awesome, I like to give and receive. In the past I turned down plenty of jobs, in the past I turned down benefits, I lived in squats with rats and ate out of skips to avoid having anything to do with a system that routinely spends our taxes on bombing brown children. That is a fact. I could have been on job seekers allowance. I could have been on housing benefits but I chose not to because I was disgusted at the system. I have had to listen to people who KNOW what our taxes get spent on call the people who dropped out of society idiots for dropping out. Why? Cos not enough people were gonna drop out with them for making a difference. Well excuse me for trying. It’s actually the one revolution that would work but most of us don’t have the balls to just stop paying taxes. But if we did there would be less children on fire right now. Fact. And so I return to society with my tail between my legs waiting for the revolution to start. Fucking thankless life. I didn’t o it for thanks though, I did it cos I could see the reality of a corrupt and hypocritical society, I did it for honour and I did it for myself. And now all I want is to be understood. If I work in a 9 – 5 I don’t want to be judged for it, if I fuck around I don’t want to be judged for it, if I pay taxes I don’t want to be judged for it. I always wanted to be the hero, but my own hero, not somebody else’s. But I’m only a footstep away from being the bad guy. Is it just me and Ned fucking Stark that give a shit about honour? (Geeky reference, sorry, it was gonna happen.) Why do I care? Why do I care? Why do I care? Why do I care? Why do I care? Do I care? Do I care? Do I care? I don’t care. I’ve done shit that most people wouldn’t dream of for reasons they couldn’t fathom, they will never understand me and I will never be understood. But I am not the only one. So go ahead, judge me. Why should I give a flying fuck? :-p x]
Oh yeah, relax. It’s all you. I keep forgetting but that’s fine, cos one day I’ll die and then I’ll have no choice but to remember. Until then, I might as well relax and enjoy it. I’m still typing aren’t I? Relax.