Wearing Nothing But Tears

Wearing Nothing But Tears
 
These are the words of a man who has stood naked in front of the universe and demanded it’s attention.
 
These are the words of a man who has felt guilt, who has felt shame and grew tired of hiding it.
 
Twice I have dropped the cloaks of guilt and shame and walked without them for years before they weaved their ways back on, thread by thread. First I dropped the cloaks given to me by society and religion, and then bitter experiences grew those shadows back again.
But this time I neither hide nor deny my guilt and my shame, I tie them to poles and wave them over my head as both banners of peace and flags of war. I declare peace with myself and peace with my family humanity, I wage war on inauthenticity, fakes, ‘the phonies’.
 
Society told me I was a man so I could not be sensitive, I could not cry, I could not show affection to fellow man unless I or they had just scored a goal for our team. I rejected that notion and was fearlessly sensitive… for a while. Then life struck. I was betrayed, I was rejected, friends struggled with sanity, I did not reap the rewards I felt I deserved, I was hurt, my sensitivity was taken advantage of. The shields came back up. We tend to protect insecurity with a shield of denial and a sword of anger.
 
We were taught by society, by mainstream media and consequently by our peers and sometimes even your parents to value sex and money more than anything else. Those of us who rejected that notion can feel guilt for wanting sex or guilt for wanting money and we can feel sham when we get either. There is nothing wrong with sex or money, it’s how you get either and how we prioritise them that can have wider ramifications. The rest who did not reject the notion of sex and money are the most important things can feel shame for rejecting inspiration, for not following their dreams, or rejecting love for money. (If they’re lucky?)
 
We need not feel guilt or shame BUT when we do WE NEED N0T HIDE IT!
 
I rise with you now if you rise with me. Aware that I have fallen before and donned the cloaks of guilt and shame clasped with by a buckle of insecurity under a hood of depression. Although I walk to a place where I no longer fear the judgments of men, if I fall again, I ask that you do not judge me, for we all wade through darker waters occasionally, but remind me…
 
“…do not be afraid of making mistakes.”
Remind me “do not be afraid of failing.”
Remind me “do not be afraid to be afraid.”
 
I have never made mistakes, I have had learning experiences. I have never failed, I have had learning experiences. Some of those experiences were painful and sometimes I am afraid of feeling that pain again. Fear won’t stop the pain. Is this why the Buddha said “existence is suffering?” Can the universe, that which some call God, judge it’s own creation that it gave free will?
 
Braver men and women than me guided me to this truth – when you admit your fear and your terror to those around you – you become the bravest among them.
 
These are the words of a man who has stood naked in front of the universe and demanded it’s attention.
More than once.

(check out The Work by Byron Katie for practical help dealing with guilt, shame and forgiveness http://thework.com )

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