Self Love, Self Loathing, No Self

Self Love, Self Loathing, No Self

(Unfinished)

 

I’ve been getting the same lesson in different ways for at least

3 years – love yourself. Well what do I see here?

 

And for twenty years my message was to “love each other” ,

20 years of spitting positive t’ings like “love your sister and brother”,

 

after tougher lessons I sang about loving ourselves, to level up

My health. Years before Kendrick put out ‘I Love Myself’.

 

But despite a wealth of lessons I still suffered self loathing,

from loving my own style… to self conscious in clothing,

 

self esteem issues, depression, denial led to confusion,

I found the roots of them problems but still searched for a solution.

 

I was still putting other people first, the blessing and the curse…

but yes King, still asking what’s worse?

 

Gotta look after myself and live with liberty,

not assume people are judging me… negatively.

 

Truth is most people who meet me likely to like me…

and truth is most people who know me already love me,

 

why should i care? It’s not like they’re gonna fight me…

or even shove me, probably not even gonna judge me.

 

So what? I was an unattractive teenager, miserable teenager, but most teens are seeking a saviour,

 

come on solve them first world problems, misfit among misfits – skinny and black. They called me a twiglet,

 

constant rejection made me hate my reflection,

Women like nice guys when they’re older, wiser, n over facing tension.

 

too many teeth in my early teens and braces in late teens,

losing faith seemed I was choosing fake dreams.

 

But I’ve manifested my wildest dreams since then, with bravery and an ink pen

at Festivals in tents, Yep, life can be intense….

 

I was always over sensitive and nobody gave a damn, to be honest it

was my ‘best’ friends who told me to shut up about politics.

 

My opinion didn’t matter… before radio show hosts…

asked for the opinion of the rapper looking dapper.

 

… Why would I even try to fit in?

… Why would I care what another kid thinks?

Why did I wanna see my name in the bright lights,

Why did I want my name on flyers and newspapers in print?

 

I couldn’t be fake, or walk another path another way.

I had to be myself, misfit outsider, they  loved me anyway.

 

I love myself. It’s true to a certain extent.

But not 100 percent. But I’m worthy.

Bottom line’s not a lesson but I question my ability

to function in normal society… it hurts me.

But “It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society” – Krishnamurti.

But we’re all one with each other and infinity… Wish they heard me.

 

 

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